Categories
Dangerous Compassions

panic attack

Yesterday I had maybe the gnarliest panic attack I’ve ever had.  Wow, it was an altered state.  So powerful, like–I don’t need to use drugs, ever.  I went to another dimension: terror world.  I lost part of myself. Thought I was dying. Afterward, I was amazed that I survived. I’ve had a panic attack now… Read More »

Categories
Dangerous Compassions

respect

Respect was a huge struggle at the beginning of me and Ming’s relationship.  I need to feel respected in order to feel safe enough to be close to someone and do relationship.  Ming has issues with language, and the respect was secret inside him.  He needed to learn how to express it so I could… Read More »

Categories
Dangerous Compassions

feel your feelings

Hey, I got a new shirt.  It’s a radical mental health shirt.  Feel your feelings.  What do you think? I don’t always like telling people what to do.  But when I tell people what to do, it’s going to be some nurturing thing like this, probably. If you don’t feel your feelings, you’re just going… Read More »

Categories
Dangerous Compassions

anger

Oh hey, I was filled with anger.  Ming came home from the Las Vegas Catholic Worker soup line serving this morning and told me the cops are shutting it down.  I feel really upset that the government wins. Homeless people are people.  The government exists for them!  How is feeding hungry people a crime? Well,… Read More »

Categories
Dangerous Compassions

loquat

“Has your loquat tree fruited yet?” I asked my friend.  These friends here in Tucson, I’ve always loved their garden. “No,” she said.  “Do you want to talk to it?” “Yeah,” I said.  Usually people don’t invite me to talk to their trees.  We went over to the loquat tree, and I touched a branch. … Read More »

Categories
Dangerous Compassions

bread

“If I ever feel like life isn’t worth living, please feed me some of this bread,” I told Ming.  It was cheese garlic naan from Gandhi’s in Tucson.  Wow, amazing.  Better bread than I could have dreamed. Ming was turning left, driving us back to our airbnb.  “I guess it’s the bread of life.  Maybe… Read More »

Categories
Dangerous Compassions

suicidal

It was an intense couple of days.  I got suicidal, the day before Mother’s Day.  That happened last year too.  I knew not being able to call and send a card, or visit my mom for Mother’s Day, would destroy me.  It’s not like I was even thinking of her a lot–more that my body… Read More »

Categories
Dangerous Compassions

fast blood

Hey, I was ecstatic dancing outside to my youtube dance playlist.  I was wearing no shirt–I wore a sports bra.  It’s ok to exercise, wearing a sports bra, so I hear.  But I never did it before.  I walked outside in a skirt and bra, which I had never done before.  Felt vulnerable and slightly… Read More »

Categories
Dangerous Compassions

the five things I need

Being able to have difficult conversations is something I need, in any close relationship.  I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships, the five things I need, non-negotiable. the five things I need mutual respect Respect is like love, but less sparkly.  I need to be seen as pretty much equal to anyone I’m going to… Read More »

Categories
Dangerous Compassions

chi

I took a chi gong class on Saturday.  The night before, a bodyworker friend invited me over txt, and I had the time.  So I learned chi gong from my friend’s teacher, and it was emotional. I guess the most important part was toward the end when I was crying, an emotional release pertaining to… Read More »