Hello, reader. How you doing? I’m thinking about how to self-harm. I do it more often than I’d like. Some ways are better than others!
cake
My homegirl told me about a meme where a mental health pro asks clients instead of “Have you self-harmed lately?” another question: “Have you checked to see if you’re cake?”
I thought about cake.
We were about to celebrate the first night of Passover Seder–our homegirl was sitting on the round furniture we have in the corner of our living room which resembles a bean bag chair.
When I think of cake, I think of decadent frosting and “there is no cake” which probably most people have forgotten. The young people never knew. It was a powerful concept for me, long ago: the opposite of entitlement. Your reward will be in heaven– good luck with heaven. What’s motivating you doesn’t actually exist. Yes–jaded but sometimes true.
“What?” I asked. I didn’t understand the cake thing.
My homegirl made a cutting motion on her arm. Like a person would be curious what’s inside their body and checking to see if they’re cake inside.
The conclusion would probably be: Oops, no cake. I’m made of raw meat and bleeding again.
content warning: self-harm
I never self-harmed by cutting. Sure I’ve had friends who’ve cut. But methods I’m more familiar with– my go-to self-harms– would be these.
- not eating
- scratching
- burning
- staying close to abusive white guys
- staying in sensory hell situations like when a TV is playing
- putting my needs last
Some self-harm is automatic. Yes, I start doing it on accident in response to emotional overwhelm. Not eating is easy since it’s a lack of action rather than an action. Clawing at my own arms is also automatic. If I’m upset enough, I don’t even notice I’m doing it. Hopefully I notice and stop.
But I don’t see shame in self-harm. Whatever gets you through the night. It might be better than heroin, meth, alcohol, anonymous sex, gambling, too many erotic videos– whatever your dangers are. Definitely self-harm is better than suicide.
Hopefully more and more mental health pros understand that self-harm can be harm reduction. If it keeps you from killing yourself or others, please do.
all
“I would ask, ‘How have you been self-harming,’ rather than, ‘Have you been self-harming?’ because I think everyone self-harms somehow,” I told my homegirl.
I’ve known people who self-harmed through shopping, having too many cats, overdoing religion, isolating themselves. That’s really common–being too afraid to reach out when we most need others.
But I called this post how to self-harm because I was thinking about the best ways. You could harm yourself in a way that helps. While back I realized I could floss my teeth as self-harm. It makes me bleed and hurts. But potentially could increase my health.
Sometimes running looks like self-harm. Through injured knees, to the point of exhaustion, with chafed nipples. A combination of self-harm and self-help.
Probably a lot of things are like that. My mom’s crocheting was fun for her–she loved to have a project. I enjoy the hats, scarves, and blankets she made for me. But the yarn hoarding was not the best, or always checking for sales at big box craft stores.
carnelian
I handed my homegirl a rock I like–a hunk of carnelian that I got near Portland at the Rice Rock and Mineral Museum. We were planning to have a difficult conversation, so we lit the prayer candle. I put a tarot card Strength and rose quartz for friendship / love on my desk near the ranunculus. And the hunk of carnelian for feeling brave to tell the truth.
My homegirl was tapping the carnelian on her head and told me it felt good.
“Hey! No self-harming with my rock!” I said.
Me and Ming have a family policy about self-harm. He used to pull out his hair– not to hurt himself, but when it was bothering him. Some wispy hairs on the edge that were tickling him.
It disturbed me a lot. So we made a policy of no self-harm in front of each other. I didn’t want to see it. If he wants to pull out his hair, he has to do it in another room.
But then I want to know about self-harm if it’s more emotional. That’s not a policy but a preference. Please tell me if you have a panic attack or get so upset that you hurt yourself. Thank you.
passover
Here is some food from our at home Passover Seder. Please ignore the Passover jello. Not kosher at any time!
