how to honor jealousy

Hello, reader.  How are you doing?  I’m thinking about how to honor jealousy.  Jealousy is so painful, yet we get shamed for it.  Let’s find ways we can support each other in all our hard feelings.

How do you like to be treated when you feel jealous?  I like patience, kindness, compassion, and chill curiosity.  Well, I might need to withdraw for a bit to lick my wounds, then ask for help.

If I’m jealous with Ming, he’s generous and will listen as long as I need him to.  He helps me hold my pain.  We make a plan together for how to reduce the harm and both get what we need.

Some people are not like that.  They see jealousy as a character flaw or immoral desire to control.  Ming knows me and trusts me that I don’t want to control him.  He knows that my jealousy is about safety, trauma, old family pain, abandonment fears, and fear of inadequacy.

Wow, those are some of the dankest dungeons inside me.  Jealousy is a raging owlbear who wants to maul and has the power to destroy good situations.  Jealousy can destroy relationships because a destroyed relationship is easier than facing the vulnerable fears underneath.

how to honor jealousy

Jealousy has a bad reputation because people behave badly out of fear.  But it doesn’t have to be that way.  If we express jealousy in a fair way, we can defuse it and get help.  It doesn’t have isolate us and lead to bad behavior.

If Ming feels jealous, I want to know what’s going on and how I can help.  Jealousy’s destructive power comes from trying to hide it and push it down.  But feelings exist for a reason: our feelings are trying to point us toward the truth.  Jealousy shows us our pain places and where we need care.  We need nurturing, not abandonment or shame.

Let me tell you an idea I was having about how to honor jealousy.  In a situation where I feel jealous sharing someone I love, I know things she can tell me to help me feel safer because I matter to her.  So I had an idea for a ritual.

ritual

In my fantasy, she and I cuddle like usual, and after some time she looks into my eyes and says these words to me.

Dear loved one, you matter to me.  I cherish you for who you are.  What I do with you is important to me.  What I do with any other person could be important to me also.  Anything I do with another person, whether it’s sexual, affectionate, fun, caring, or special in any way, cannot diminish what I do with you.  Back through time, into the future, and right now– You matter to me, and that’s not diminished by other people mattering to me.  You are safe in my heart.  You are uniquely valuable to me.  Please trust me that I can share intimacy with any other person, and you are still cherished and safe.  I love other people, and that has nothing to do with how much I love you.

Wow, yes.  That’s exactly what I want to be true.  Then I would tell this to her.

Thank you for cherishing me and holding me.  I value you, and your freedom is sacred to me.  I want you to experience intimacy, fun, and pleasure with other people.  Your freedom is beautiful, and I never want to limit you from what you’re on earth to do.  You deserve intimacy, joy, and learning with other people.  I support you in doing what you need to do.  I love you, and I love your freedom.

Then I could speak to her the first part too, and she could reply me the second part.  Hopefully we would cuddle more to seal the deal.

magic words

It’s a simple ritual, but that would really help me.  In fact I would like to speak these words on multiple occasions to help all of me believe it.  Even if my loved one and I don’t manage to do this ritual in person, I can imagine the ritual, as I know the words are true.  I can do the ritual in my imagination for emotional benefit also.

Some people might not like reading from a script, but I enjoy intentional language.  I love magic words.

Other ideas for how to honor jealousy:

• mention it from time to time
• check in about it like ask my loved one how the jealousy is going
• pray about it
• keep an object on my altar to remind me of how jealousy is real, but my safety is also real

Also I ponder ways to heal old wounds and increase my resiliency so jealousy has less power over me.  Keeping my feelings in motion is important; here are some ways I like to release pent up emotions.

• art
• writing
• movement / exercise
• different kinds of therapy
• radical mental health
• acupuncture
• dance
• going somewhere special to yell
• kink
• sex
• spending time in nature, especially water
• housecleaning
• yoga
• helping others
• singing
• prayer

Talking to Ming and other dear ones about what I really feel and need helps too.

health

Jealousy is a powerful emotion that can damage my health.  I’ve felt it increase my blood pressure and stress hormones.  I have no doubt it increases my inflammation and pain, and it can interfere with my sleep.

So I feel a responsibility to tend to my jealousy, not ignore it.  How to honor jealousy isn’t something my culture taught me, so let’s create new ways.