how to break up with someone

Hey, reader.  How’s it going?  I wrote this poem I thought you might like called how to break up with someone.  That’s quite a skill which…. how do we learn?

I guess through movies, tv, witnessing domestic violence as children, maybe a country western song?  How do we learn how to do anything?  Mostly through experience.  Not fun experiences.

how to break up with someone

convince them you need to break up.
otherwise, your energy is impossible.
do a ritual with the spell on an index card
you leave on your altar.
ask your ancestors for help.
lie in bed. clear your schedule.
go to the tree
you’ve been praying to lately.
tell the tree how much you love the person
and want to break up before you hate each other.
see if the tree nods.
ask someone to mediate.
ask Spirit what the outcome will be.
right: three of swords.
stop obsessing over individual words.
let go of fairness.
look at the whole situation.
you both were abused
and far too long at the shelter.
anyone would have to be crazy to adopt you.
you have that in common,
both so crazy there are not enough treats.
to crawl out of the hole
you’ve dug for yourselves
will take more strength than you can imagine.
so ask for help.
please help me break up with this person
I love most in the world.
the whole reason I’m breaking up with them
is they deserve better than
this powerful witch who never set out
to imprison anyone.

love

What do you think?  I like the tree part.  Yes, that bay laurel is nodding to me from the bank of the Willamette river right now–I can feel it.

Ming likes the ending–he tends to like my endings.  Thank you to my dear for enjoying just about everything I write.

friend

Been thinking a lot about love, relationship, jealousy, dating, what our culture can understand vs what is pushed out of the nest as freakish based on a three second evaluation.  I’m upset by how narrow the range is of what’s acceptable.

Also “Friend” is a huge category which can be used by a waiter you never met who asks, “What are you having, friend?” all the way to the 40 years lover who never leaves the closet.

With almost all mentionings of a relationship, the first question asked is, “Are you having sex?” like that’s anyone’s business.  And what’s sex.  Sex is legitimizing, like the love is more real and important then.  And if there is sex happening, then you think you know what the relationship is?

So much gray area and Mystery.  Isn’t every relationship different?  I hope so.  Mine tend to vary a lot, as the love varies and as I grow and change.

situationship

I hear the word situationship: a joking way to criticize a half-relationship, to criticize clumsy or duplicitous relating that’s destructive to at least one of the persons.

“We can’t break up–we were never together,” is a sentence I’ve uttered more than I prefer.  But here I am on earth, willing learner, showing up for love, ready to try things.  Thank god I risk failure over and over again.

How to break up with someone is confusing when we love and need each other.  As services languish and infrastructure fails, we need each other more than ever.  What’s important shifts, especially at night.

We’re all in motion.  Moving targets and goalposts make me dizzy when I want rules and something definite.  What’s truth?  What do I need?  Is this person lying to me?  How do I make decisions when I only have scraps of information?

four years

Consent is a cluster of fudge when I don’t know what I needed until four years later.  Four years seems like a good bet.

Knowing what I need right now seems impossible.  I gather info, ask for perspective, and dive.  I do what my body tells me to, but she changes her mind a lot.

I’d like to mutual aid with you, but who can I trust.   Every abuser who I needed help escaping is someone I once trusted with my life.  Obviously I’m not always the best judge of character.

But I’m curious and willing to commit.  I’d like a world where people stick together.  But I don’t want to repeat the mistakes of my mom–I’m disabled and can’t afford that.

questions for discussion

How do you know when it’s time to break up with someone?

Are you good at it?

How do we soften the blow?

Who do you allow yourself to need?

What is family?

Who do you love?