dating a fat person

Hello, reader.  How are you doing?  It’s important to know something about fat people if you’re dating a fat person.  Some background info will help you be respectful.  So I’m writing to speak my truth, but also as a public service announcement.

dating a fat person is special

We all get harmed in one way or another, but fat people are harmed in specific ways.

• medically
• in workplaces
• by media like movies and tv
• in friend circles
• at school
• in romantic and sexual relationships

Of course there’s variety about what hurts us the most and what we do with the bullshit we’re handed.

Oppression of fat people has to do with power, shame, death, the dieting industry, fear, difference.  If you’ve never been fat or aren’t normally close to fat people, you might need to brush up.

An essay like this about fat liberation could help with some foundation.  All bodies are valid bodies, and hopefully you’re established in that.

It behooves you not to do fucked up things that activate how fat people have been harmed before.  All fat people differ, but these are some issues that have been the worst for me.

being used to sexually experiment

When I was a teenager, I had a friend who was curious.  She made out with me, and I loved her.  It meant a lot to me but nothing to her.  When I was upset by her rejection the next day, she was uncomfortable.  Later she told me, “I thought you were safe to experiment with.”

The safe part confused me–I am safe in the sense of clear, direct, fair, warm, and caring.  But I’m also intentional, integrity-filled, emotional, and give everything.  She hadn’t been paying attention, if she thought we could make out casually.  Then she was hurt that I was hurt.

This is just the first example in my life of this phenomenon–it’s happened to me several times.

“I want to do something physical with you that may or may not lead to relationship or actual closeness.  It might just be a one-time thing to see how it feels.  Does that sound ok to you?” is something that no one has ever said to me.  I wish they had.  Maybe I’m supposed to understand this concept as a given.  But especially if I’ve been friends with someone for a long time, I don’t expect to be taken to bed then tossed aside like a random one night stand.

Often there’s liquid courage involved, and a lack of communication and relationship skills to begin with.  Trying something in a clear, honest way is way too vulnerable and too much work.  It’s easier for them to steal, not ask.

Fat people have less power–often we’re less useful as social capital.  So please be aware of how you have more power, and don’t abuse it.  Please know who you’re interacting with, check in, be upfront about your intentions, and realize that a fat person has probably been used quite a bit.

strung along

Anyone can string someone along, but fat people are less powerful.  So we’re often treated as good enough to mess around with, but not good enough to center.

I’ve loved men who have treated me as expendable.  I’ve also been treated as a backup girlfriend, on hold in case things went bad with their real girlfriend.  That was a creepy feeling.

I’ve been close to men who would do just enough to keep me in their orbit, but not give me the intimacy I was actually looking for.  I’d start to drift away and find better things to do; they would notice that and do something sweet to reel me in.  They were manipulative.  I’m sorry I didn’t understand sooner.

I have trauma about not being prioritized.  It can be confusing when I treat someone as valuable, and they treat me as half-valuable.  Fatness means I’ve been told my whole life that I have less worth than other people.  When anyone plays on that, it’s exploitative.

negative body talk

Hearing you talk bad about your own body means I suspect you think bad about my body too.  Using fat as an insult is confusing when I’ve worked years to cultivate self-love, and I use “fat” as a neutral or positive descriptor.

Bringing your own fat shame to our relationship is confusing.  Am I supposed to help you carry that, when I’ve carried so much of my own and worked so hard to set mine down?  Have you worked to shed hate?  Maybe part of you still believes fat is unhealthy, thin is healthy, and we have a responsibility to be thin.

My close friend and I were cuddling on her couch, and I invited her to touch my tummy.  I told her that I used to hate my tummy.  I asked her to tell my tummy it’s ok–it’s a good tummy, and she welcomes it.

Yes, she did all that.  It was a sweet moment, with her hand gently rested on a part of my body I used to pretend did not exist.  I wanted to know if my whole self could show up to our relationship, or if she thinks my tummy is bad and wrong.  I enjoyed these steps toward being able to relax with her.

My fat cannot be hidden.  My tummy is real.  Let’s touch it and be direct about the elephant in the room.  Respecting my transgressive tummy is important if you want to be close to me.

trauma

What do you think about these potential pitfalls when dating a fat person?  It’s sort of like dating a disabled person, a Black or Asian or Indigenous person, a houseless person, a trans person, an undocumented person.  When someone has less privilege than you, please be extra kind and fair.  The big difference between you is part of the relationship.

When you’re dating a fat person, please don’t make them educate you on how to be good to them.  Of course clarifying needs and personal preferences is necessary.  But it’s important to do some of the work yourself.

Trauma means an old button gets pushed, and a huge reaction comes out not proportionate to the situation at hand.  Pain from the past bubbles up and confuses us.  I’m surprised by the intensity of my reaction.  Even if it’s not that same situation of violence I endured before, being reminded of a piece is enough.  Pain of the past complicates the present.

Doesn’t feel fair to me or anyone.  Ideally we would face and heal old traumas, but there are so many.  I’m working on it.