jealousy

“What about jealousy?” I asked.  “Does your partner do it with other people?  How is that for you?”

My good friend and I were at a park in Portland, visiting after some weeks apart.  I felt curious about how their close nesting relationship is going.

“I don’t have much jealousy–it’s more FOMO,” my friend answered.  “Fear of missing out.  I’m not afraid of them having experiences with other people.  I just want to be around them all the time.”

Yes, it sounded more like wanting to be involved, than the way I usually experience jealousy: terror of losing the crucial thing I need to survive.

brave

It was a brave thing to ask my friend; maybe forward of me.  I’m curious how couples navigate jealousy.  Open relationship friends, and closed relationship friends too.

How are you doing, reader?  Are you a jealous person?  Jealousy is a big thing–one word for so many different experiences.

When I was a kid, my parents had their rules for their specific relationship.  That became my idea of normal–my standard to judge from.

Then I grew up and realized–wow!  The way my parents did things was hella quirky!  Nothing to emulate, necessarily.  In a way, it worked for them.  But I am not them.

As an adult, I’ve found my own ways of doing relationship.  I’m fortunate that Ming is caring, kind, and so generous with me as I figure out what I need and stay very honest.

We’re living the dream, the interdependent disabled dream.

jealousy

Jealousy can be…

• the aforementioned death-terror of losing the crucial thing I need to survive
• mild discomfort
• wishing for what someone else has in a curious, griefy way
• a feeling of urgency that helps me clarify a need
• expression of a deep abandonment wound
• expression of a deep inadequacy wound
• fear of being left out
• a reoccurring loop of pain–the universe keeps shoving me toward the same problem over and over again because I’m not facing it
• sad transitory mood
• a mistaken huge reaction from being too hungry / tired while not getting other needs met
• angry
• weepy
• an injustice reaction when agreements don’t feel fair
• toxic loneliness

Yeah, any of that, or some combination.  “Where do you feel jealousy in your body?” a therapist might ask.

where it comes from

My trauma from previous relationships and family pain can affect how jealous I am.  Being seen as wrong for my fatness and disability tears me down, lowering my baseline.  I’m sensitive and feel my feelings really hard–could be autism.

Poverty affects my feeling of unsafety in general.  When Ming and I were underhoused last summer, I had a huge struggle with safety.  I didn’t have a home or know where I would be in a week.  Healthcare is often tied to a state, and I didn’t have a state, so I didn’t have healthcare.

If I clung harder than usual on Ming, can you blame me?

blame

Many people see jealousy as a shameful feeling.  Sort of how many people see anger as bad.

I loved a man who saw me as jealous and didn’t like that.  What he saw as “jealousy,” I saw as my pain about him not prioritizing me, when I prioritized him.  Telling him that it hurt not to be prioritized was too much for him–he turned that into blame, like I was saying he was bad.  So he got defensive, called my upset “jealousy,” and dismissed it, which felt like he was dismissing me.

And then he did lose me, since I can’t be close to someone who doesn’t care how I feel.  It was a sad situation because we excited each other in many ways.  We might have had a lot of fun, but our problems didn’t play well together.

There are no good or bad emotions.  But it’s true we have finite energy, and varying tolerance for certain types of relationship drama.

When I say that Ming is generous, part of what I mean is that he has an almost endless capacity for hearing how I feel and caring for me.  Most people can show up sometimes, for a few minutes.  Ming shows up every day, for just about as long as I need.  He is amazing.

possessive

Many people pathologize jealousy because they see it as possessive.  Being possessive is considered wrong, especially for people who have open relationships and do ethical non-monogamy.  Part of the whole point is that we are all free, doing consent, and making choices.  Trying to possess someone is seen as immoral and unwoke.

But like I listed above, jealousy can be about so many things besides possessiveness.  Yes, there can be an anxious, grabby, “they’re mine” feeling to jealousy.  It can seem violent, in an entitled drunk white guy way.

But mostly when I’ve seen jealousy in relationships, it was about family trauma, fear of abandonment, and old deep grief that’s never been healed.  Not entitled creepy grabbiness, even if at first glance it might look that way.

wish

I wish people who do non-monogamy (and all people) would see that jealousy is an ok human feeling that doesn’t have to be a big deal.

I’m blowing on the dandelion seeds in my imagination, also wishing that people who do non-monogamy would have more skills about feelings and communication than regular people, not less or similar.  Doing a different thing, we need serious skills of clarity with our truth-sharing.

I also wish that I would never feel jealous again.  It’s so vulnerable.  I wish when I’m jealous, I’ll be held in compassion and treated like the wounded kid I am.