power and emotions

Hey, gmorning.  I was thinking more about power and emotions.  I think about power a lot–who has it, who has less, how it got that way.  But mostly where to go from here.

I see power relations under the surface everywhere, mostly not spoken about, but controlling much of what we do.  Performances of respect, actual respect, and who gets what.

Doctors want to be respected all the time, and then they make a lot of money, so they get their way.  But I need respect, just as much if not more, since I don’t work a job of honor or have a ton of money.  Usually respect goes more to people who are considered more rare, rich, educated.  But I never want to act that way.  Please, Mother God.  Bless me to treat all people with respect.

doctor’s emotions

It makes my life too hard, when the doctor’s emotions and need to be deferred to are the most important thing in the room.  The doctor’s emotions are more important than my health, which is supposed to be what we’re there for.
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It’s not ok that the powerful person’s need for respect is more important than mine.  The doctor’s being paid to prioritize my health, for those two to five minutes they see me.  I’m not being paid–I’m suffering.  

The systems harm everyone, but doctors can get harmed and then go home to a house and cars.  They have more choice, with thousands of dollars.  As a disabled person, I’m told I deserve to live on less than poverty, and good luck.

I wish doctors cultivated the emotional maturity to set aside their desire to get respect performed to them constantly, and focus on the task at hand.  I have respect for all people, including doctors.  But my performance of respect might be different, especially if I’m in pain, or panicking because the appointment I waited a month or longer for has just switched from neutral to a shit show, because I asked one too many questions.

power and emotions

Emotions are central to my life, and I believe in their importance.  So neglected.  Yes, we all have feelings, and feelings matter.  I’m not saying doctors shouldn’t feel–just that their patients, who are coming there for help, aren’t the ones who should bolster their feelings.

Powerful persons should get help with their feelings from other powerful ones.  Or people who are being paid to help others with feelings.  Not get help from the less powerful people who they’re hurting.

One of the saddest things possible is giving comfort to the person who just hurt me.  I’ve been in this situation many times: I let someone know it wasn’t ok, what they just did, and I need something different.  I state it fairly and neutrally, with kind words, and hope for the best!

But it doesn’t matter how I state it–the truth is not wanted.  We were supposed to pretend the powerful person was infallible.  Rather than give me respectful consideration and a promise to do something different, the powerful person goes into excuses, then a state of “how dare you accuse me of doing wrong, after all I’ve done for you.”  Then I’m supposed to apologize for speaking the truth.

refusing to live in denial

It’s nothing I want, ever again.  They did something wrong to me, but I apparently did something wronger–I spoke the truth.  Refusing to live in denial is dangerous, when many people want me to keep my head down and let them use me.  I’m supposed to smile and say thank you as I’m being harmed.

As a fat person, poor person, crazy, disabled…I’m supposed to say thank you for the scraps I receive, and how dare I speak up that wrong was done to me.

As the years pass and I become an adult more, I speak up more.  I speak here about power and emotions, in zines, and everywhere.  Thank you to the friends who support my change and growth, and who help me feel strong by loving me.

criticized for drama

My loved zinester friend mentioned in her blog how she gets criticized for drama, when she sees wrong happening and says something.  Yes, silence is preferred to speaking out.

But I refuse to perpetuate denial.  I will never go back to the silence I lived in as a young person.  My silence helped people hurt and use me really bad.  So I will be a drama lady now.