Hello, reader. How are you doing? I’m a mess– I’m in the second week of withdrawal. How long does it take you to feel better after a powerful loss, or quitting a substance you’re addicted to?
“The first week of withdrawal is like being on fire,” I told Ming. “It’s an emergency. Everything is wrong, and there’s no possible way to feel better. It’s all I can do to survive.”
I paused to ponder week one.
“The second week, I’m like a sad, sick dog in pain that doesn’t understand English,” I said. “Nothing you say can help me. All that helps is touch and food. I’m searching for comfort everywhere.”
Yes, I ask Ming, “Will you put your leg on my leg?” I ask Ming, “Put your butt on me,” while they’re doing something else. The pressure from my loved one takes my distress from a teeth-gnashing 8/10 down to a livable-but-still-horrible 5/10 instantly.
addiction
That’s how powerful my reward pathways are. Relationship is like a drug addiction–I’m flooded with the chemicals of well being. I feel so happy and safe.
So the end of any significant relationship, well being is ripped from me. Yes, it’s traumatic. It plunges me into a personal hell.
Not sure why I’m like this, but it’s been my whole life. I remember when I was 4, getting promoted to the next level ballet class. I was inconsolable: Panic Child. It was supposed to be a happy change, but my mom stopped taking me to ballet because my emotional reaction was huge.
The loss of the class I’d been attending caused emotions that were bigger than I could handle. Yeah, I’m still like that. All the reasoning in the world doesn’t help. Losing a person, place, dream, opportunity…. I remember when I was in a play, and the play was over. I felt gutted. What would make my life meaningful again?
My mom was sad when she finished a crochet project. It’s kinda like that.
not easygoing
If you saw me happily easygoing, you saw me blissed out on oxytocin, sunshine, beautiful tree life, singing, ritual, or maybe a delicious meal. I’m an intense person who feels my feelings strongly– all of them. I feel medium about almost nothing.
I can hate that about myself, because the work of feeling takes so much energy. But the intensity is also a gift. There’s a gift on the other side of the pain. There are regular things I can’t do, but there are amazing, remarkable, rare things that I can do.
the second week of withdrawal
The second week of withdrawal is a hard time, but I’ve done it before. With help, I will thrive.
- Ming’s love
- the care of friends
- self-love
- my own inner life
- all the forces and entities who protect me
Making art can help too. I’m glad that like making zines and writing blog posts, making visual art has become part of how I function.
2 replies on “the second week of withdrawal”
This also sounds like grief, Strawberry. I am experiencing loss and grief like trauma. Hanging on tenaciously to my own grounding while feeling what I’m feeling fully and honestly. I remember a TV cartoon I saw once, where a character got caught in a huge wind storm. They were blown to a light post and they hung onto the light post while their feet were blown out sideways. They just hung on until the storm subsided. Then they put their feet back on the ground and walked away. It’s a very helpful image right now.
yes, sweetheart. thank you for that image. I relate. huge feelings. love to your grief.