chaos goblin

Hey, reader. How’ve you been? Ming and I were on an intense trip north–densely packed action and too much driving. Heading back to Eugene, going south on the 5 somewhere near Salem, I was in the passenger seat and offered to toast a vegan marshmallow for Ming. The experience helped me understand: I’m a chaos goblin.

There’s definitely a spectrum. You know me. I’m responsible, clear communicating, with integrity– the time-obsessed kind of autistic. Ming and I are anarchists who follow through.

But I’m a chaos goblin none the less, which is a concept I’ve been thinking about a ton lately. It’s kind of what my old friend meant when he said, “Never have sex with anyone crazier than you.”

We can only invite so much chaos into our lives. We all have a different tolerance for that kind of stress.

marshmallow

So yeah,  I offered to toast Ming’s vegan marshmallow on the tip of a knife while Ming was driving south on the interstate 5. Ming had found a special cute lighter in the cabin we’re staying at on the land. I suspect this lighter is extra-good for drugs? It’s different from any lighter I’d ever seen before. It stays lit for a long time and has no “safety.”

The first marshmallow went well. I shoved the marshmallow onto the knife and held the lighter’s flame up to its surface. I wanted the marshmallow to get a little golden. It stayed white, but got a thin crust on the outside, then slightly blackened. There was no golden.

“Hmm, am I doing it wrong?” I wondered.

Ming was delighted.

“Do you want another one?” I asked.

Yes, Ming wanted another one.

chaos goblin part

I thought I should hold the flame longer to the marshmallows, at a further distance, to get the golden. But I never quite accomplished that. Maybe the heat was too low, or the veganness changed the chemistry. Three marshmallows Ming ate and loved.

Then the fourth marshmallow, guess what. The marshmallow caught on fire.

Oh geeze! When the marshmallow caught on fire, and I was like– yeah, that happens sometimes. The bleb of ashy black was not too big, and I thought the marshmallow might still be delicious.

Wondering if the burned spot was still hot, I touched it. I wanted to protect Ming’s mouth before feeding the marshmallow to them.

Oops, big mistake, because not only was the marshmallow still hot, it was still on fire. The flames were small almost to the point of invisible. But my fingertip was coated in burning sugar, and I was not pleased.

“Wow, maybe this was not a good idea,” I realized.

I blew out the fire, and sucked on my finger. I fed the marshmallow to Ming. My career as a freeway marshmallow toaster is over.

bad idea

Toasting marshmallows in a moving vehicle at 81 mph on the tip of a knife is a bad idea. I am a chaos goblin, despite my usual responsibility and stellar impulse control.

Often I perceive irresponsible people as chaos goblins, and I Other them.

“Those people over there bring so much destruction and harm. I am so fastidious. Never would I behave like they are.  Oh drat, they are stressing me out!” I say.

So it’s humbling to realize, the same chaos goblin nature is inside me as well. Just maybe at a 3 out of 10, when others are at a 5, or even a 9.

relative

To me, I am the right mix of fastidious and chaotic. But to other people who are more like 1 out of 10 on the chaos goblin scale, I’m dangerous.

If the flaming marshmallow had dropped into my lap and caught my skort on fire, we would have had a real issue. I’m sorry I was irresponsible. I will not do that one again.  But in some other way, it’s inevitable. I will behave like a chaos goblin.

People who are fearful or straight-laced could object to many things about me, such as how deep I get into communities which have sketch elements, the poverty Ming and I live in, being an anarchist, or lack of consistent dental care. I had a good friend who votes Democrat and lost her friendship over an election, some years back. She is an amazing person, and I miss her.

To her, I was a chaos goblin. My not-voting was unforgivable.

Then the advanced chaos goblins look at me and laugh, thinking I am boring and overly wholesome. Yes, I am wholesome and so caring.

dumpstering

Free is my favorite flavor, and I love dumpster dived, foraged, and otherwise free foods.

Lately I don’t need to buy any clothes because the free room where Ming and I live in Eugene, and the drag closet at the radical faeries Sanctuary, both have so much clothing!

Here is a dress I made out of another, longer dress.

Basically, it’s all skirt. I cut off the top shirt-part, cut off the straps, and sewed the straps to another spot. I can wear the straps tied behind my neck, or just let the voluptuous curves of my body hold the dress up– no problem.

This picture I don’t think the dress looks great. But in motion, it’s better. It’s versatile for the land when I hike it up to sun, and I wore it to the post office in town yesterday with no wardrobe malfunctions. (I never wear white, so it’s novel to have the colorful, cheerful print on white. Before, I thought I would dye it. Now I think it’s ok.)

Some people think clothes should be purchased at a store. Am I gross for wearing random headlamps I find left behind in a cabin?

gratitudes

I’m so glad the flaming marshmallow didn’t catch me on fire.

Thank you God, that my mom doesn’t need to endure watching how my life has gone since her death. (Or she has seen, but from the other side, where there’s nothing to be afraid of.)

I’m grateful I don’t need to buy clothes anymore.

Grateful I have not caught lice from a headlamp.

Grateful for my adventuresome, curious nature and Ming’s as well.