Hey, reader. How are you doing? I miss my mom so bad. Last night I was thinking about her death in ways I don’t usually let myself. Then I clung to Ming as they slept. This morning I’m crying because no one ever loved me like that, but her– that deep welcome. I was wanted.
Most people I love, I want them to love and welcome me more. I’m trying to find a way in, to feel safe by nestling home with someone. My mom is the only person who wanted and welcomed me too much. She was trying to turn it down, when most people, I’m begging them to turn it up.
Turns out, too much is the right amount, and it’s something I’ll never have again.
uhaul
Someone when I was young loved me very much, a zinester and poet– my penpal who lived in Australia. In a classic lesbian dating fashion, this person said I was welcome to come and live with them and their girlfriend.
At the time, my friend used she/her pronouns. It was maybe… 1998. Later that friend trans-ed, and last I knew, uses he/him pronouns.
Wow, I was impressed when my friend said I could come live there. It was such a safe feeling, to have somewhere to go. I have trauma about home.
Thank you for everyone who has offered me a deep welcome. Besides my mom, Ming has welcomed me the deepest.
I know we can’t always follow through. But deep welcome in someone’s life and home… I can microdose by being welcome in your heart, your mailbox, your DMs, your signal, your imagination.
letter
All this to say, thank you to the people who see and appreciate my project. Why do I do anything? It’s for love.
I’m trying to love you, reader. That’s why I say hi usually, at the beginning. Did anyone ask you how you are today? Well, I care how you are. I’m trying to care. Art is about relationship.
Recently I got an email from a happy reader who liked the new interview I gave about radical mental health and community. The appreciative email came at a time I felt ineffectual and under-supported. So this beam of light helped me.
Thank you for your care. Thank you for showing up for ideas.
questions for quartz rocks we found in the creek
What feels like a beam of light, for you?
Have all your ex-girlfriends trans-ed?
Who welcomes you?
How do you know when you’re home?
2 replies on “deep welcome”
Strawberry, I think this post reaches so deeply into the hearts of most people. What and where is home REALLY? Is it with a person? Yet all human relationships end with age, or illness, or….. My beloved sister, with whom I can share anything, will by dying of cancer in a few months. Is home in the land? But 96% of our pinion trees died this year. The landscape looks like Mordor with all that death. Is it in a building? A house with amazing artwork like you make? That could be, but even those end. To answer that deep question that makes me touch tears with the longing. I think the first home is to be found in my own skin. Being at peace with who I am, even in the midst of “the changes and chances of this life” is to be home. To know in my bones that I am held in love by the Holy One is to be home. The question of home, and how we are held in home has to be asked within the hard truth of the fact that all living things are transitory. We don’t want to embrace that. Yet there it is, on the headlines of our lives. So for me the question is “How do I find home in the middle of a changing world?” Thank you for opening these deep questions for us.
gmorning, dear Canyon. thank you for these ideas. I’m happy to open up ideas with you. I’m so sorry your sister is getting ready to die. I hope you can tell me about her sometime. home is a big deal! I like pondering what is and isn’t transitory. hugs!