Hello, reader. How are you doing? I’m thinking about consent around love. I say I love you to
- strangers
- trees
- my own body parts
- the sky
- Parent Earth
- buildings
- vehicles
- friends
- gravity
- bodies of water…
In romantic relationships, I like to ask for consent because “I love you” freaks some people out. They feel it as pressure.
Also it can confuse people. What do we mean? For me it means something like, “I feel a soul connection with you, I’m delighted by you, and I want to work for your well-being in ways that we both enjoy.”
Usually the feeling bubbles up when I’m getting to know someone brilliant and strange. My soul wants to doggie paddle toward them, and my soul-tongue is sticking out in a bewildered way. Like, “Wow! What’s THAT!?”
I get excited and love quickly. But some people are not ready, or think love is only real if it’s slow.
In my experience, it’s layered. Sure there can be crushes, limerence, and misunderstandings. But love is the force driving it all.
Ming
With Ming for example, I was out of my mind. “Falling in love” is an experience of hypomania for me, if we wanna be DSM about it. But love is steady and real. Eventually the nonsense burns off, and the love remains. Love combines with responsibility, nurturing care, communication with playfulness and a sense of humor, endless curiosity, and commitment. We make a life together.
The beginning “falling in love” part was the rockets getting the space shuttle out of the atmosphere. Then the limerence falls off once we’re getting to know each other deeply.
By then it’s based on reality. The jets on the shuttle are all we need to keep it going. Or something like that.
(This metaphor brought to you by Ming explaining rockets as they used the bathroom. I appreciate the lesson.)
consent around love
I don’t remember the first time I said “I love you” to Ming. Probably way too soon, and Ming was ok with it.
Consent is sacred, and consent around love is sacred. I met Ming when I was 34 years old; I was a young 34. I’d spent much of my youth agoraphobic and didn’t date. I mostly had long, weird relationships that evolved for years.
So Ming was very patient with me when I made no sense, super traumatized and crazy. I didn’t know some basics. Thank you, sweetheart.
To this day Ming and I say “thank you” and “I’m sorry” all day. And we do consent a lot even though we know each other so well. Consent and a lot of consideration keep us both happy.
questions for discussion
Do you love fast or slow?
When you say “I love you,” what do you mean?
What keeps your relationships happy?
Who is very patient with you?
Do you welcome hypomania?
What was your longest hypomanic episode?
Did it continue into mania, resolve into baseline, or plunge you into horrific sads?
Is saying I love you a big deal to you?
How does your soul swim?
how to ask for consent around love
Here are some examples if you like the word chunks!
“How would you feel if I said I love you?”
“In the past, it’s freaked people out when I say I love you. So I wanted to check in with you before saying it. Would you feel ok if I said that to you now?”
“Would it be too soon for me to say I love you? Okay, thank you for letting me know. Maybe I’ll try checking in with you again in a couple weeks.”
“I’m starting to feel ready to tell you that I love you. Would you be ok with me saying that to you, within the next few days?”
“Can we talk sometime about love and what it would mean if we said I love you to each other?”
