I was at a social event with Ming, and I’d dressed up a lil bit. I prepared by resting beforehand and psyching myself out to do a big, new thing. Usually I socialize with traumatized transqueer autistic white people here in Oregon. But these were mostly professional cis-het POC. It was a treat to be around a diversity of people, and I learned some things about my current middle-aged self. By the end, I asked myself powerful questions about belonging. I want to share them with you.
quick introduction
Being in a professional space was strange. Like usual, I took notes for my quick introduction. The icebreaker question was how we came to Eugene, and I was the only person who said they found themselves here after a period of homeless wandering. Several people said they came here for grad school and stayed. Some come from the area, moved away, and returned.
Ming said we came to Eugene to find better weather than Las Vegas’ heat, which is Ming’s go-to answer to the question of how we got here. Also true but less intense and less personal than my answer.
In my intro I said I do radical mental health, and I mentioned the monthly Transqueer Fat Disabled dance I help facilitate. I mentioned how I love disability justice, and that I come from California’s central coast.
Did I remember to say my pronouns? Not sure, but they’re on the name card I made for myself.
questions about belonging
By the end of the event, I was asking myself questions about belonging. These questions stirred up in me, bubbled up, as if handed to me by my unconscious or my dream life. I wrote them in my journal.
What do I do to show that I belong?
Other people in the room signaled their identities with a scarf, beautiful jewelry, the way they dress, what they said about themselves. Maybe eye contact and diction– how long they were willing to speak. How forthcoming they were with their ideas.
I wondered how I show that I belong. Was my jewelry communicating anything? I wore a necklace I made with dark red beads and ghost beads. Do my eye contact and diction show confidence or self-love these days? Did other people feel a tension between my mustache and my dress, a trans tension I enjoy greatly?
I tried to stay still, but after my intro, my feet were stimming like mad under the table. By the end of the event, I was swaying with vestibular stim, out of spoons for acting normal.
Visually, how do I let others know who I am?
Would another more visible tattoo help? Should I change something about my jewelry or how I dress, to be more legible? What parts of my identity can be communicated visually?
Maybe I should let myself stim in professional environments like I would in regular life.
How do I let others know who my people are?
Theoretically, I do belong somewhere. I can come out and say who my people are in my intro.
My people are disabled, crazy, autistic, trans, queer, and traumatized people who are making a better world. My people are also fat people, creative marginalized people, mixed people, houseless people, and prisoners.
I would like my people also to be elders and children, but I wonder if elders and children would allow me to claim them. Maybe that last one is more of an intention than a fact.
My people are Nuevas Mexicanas, and the Mexican-American people of California’s central coast. But I don’t go there much anymore. I hope to return to New Mexico to visit later this year.
What can I do to show the world who I am, so the people who could love me will find me?
Traumatized crazy transqueer autistic people are amazing, and I love us. That is true, and I’m legible (maybe) to other traumatized crazy transqueer autistic people.
But some other kinds of people could enjoy loving me too. So I wonder how I can be more legible in general–more perceivable and findable as someone to befriend.
I wonder how I can show others I’m creative, mostly stable, friendly, and emotionally available. Maybe it just takes time.
How do I show others I’m ready to be understood and supported?
I spent decades wishing to be invisible. That desire is easy for me to slip into still. But when it comes to my projects like my writing, zines, and mutual aid work, I’m ready to be seen. I hope people will ally with me to support my projects in every way.
conclusions
I hope to continue my rich prayer life / ritual life where I ask Parent Earth and all the forces who love me to protect me as I show the world I’m ready to be known, loved, and supported.
The bee tattoo I want to get on my throat will help the bees understand I’m into golden shimmering, sweet nectar, plant beauty, plant evolution, and the power of Life.
I hope that filling my days with more pleasure including nature time will put more light inside me which can then shine out and be seen by others.
Telling the truth more–you know some people don’t want to hear the truth. But I gotta hope that telling the truth more will attract other truth tellers to me.
I want to feel grounded in who I am and get so much rest and downtime that being out among people is a happy thing rather than dragging me down into hell. Pre-care, aftercare, and being reasonable about pace could all help. Protection spells, blessings from Ming, and listening to my intuition about when it’s time to leave.
There are such brilliant, amazing people in my life already. I can be more connected and loyal to old friends, showing them who I am these days as I continue to grow up.
