“Those are some incredible fears. How long you been working on those fears, Laura-Marie?”
Ming was talking to me while I took a shower.
“Do you mean those specific fears? Or all of my fears?” I asked.
“All of them,” Ming said.
“Mmmm… probably since I was born. Or actually before I was born,” I said.
content warning: suicidal ideation
My first psychiatric diagnosis was for anxiety–I’m sorry if you’ve already heard this story. It was at a rural health clinic. A random NP in a portable was trying to save my life by prescribing me some Paxil.
Yeah, might’ve saved my life! I was young. My life circumstances were unlivable at the time. Multiple panic attacks per day made me suicidal. I needed to make such huge life changes I was not equipped to make. I needed thousands of dollars I didn’t have, and I needed help with my incredible fears.
A nurse practitioner can’t hold my hand as I leave my husband, find a new job, move to another town, and change my whole life. But a nurse practitioner can prescribe medication that will help me not kill myself for a while.
We have a country of people living unlivable lives. And a “mental health crisis” because there’s no fixing the violence that’s the norm here. We don’t have basic things we need, like loving, functional communities and families. But we have SSRIs, sedatives, anti-psychotics, and other psych meds which may or may not help short term or long term.
Anyway, I survived. Thank you to the rural health clinic worker, and thank you to Ming and all the entities, forces, and friends who love me backwards and forwards through time.
early early
I imagine myself in my mama’s womb, being fed her blood through an umbilical cord, but also being fed fear. No shame to my mama. There is so much real to be afraid of, right?
If you want people to behave well, set up the conditions for us to behave well. Be respectful, do consent, and treat us as the complex persons we are. Until then, your mileage may vary. I’ll open the can of whoop ass when necessary. I’ll give you months of chances–then there’s a point where your allowance is spent.
power
I added some material about my qualifications to speak about radical mental health to the beginning of my bio on this website. Please take a look if you’re curious about how I’m a badass. Also I include a land acknowledgement prayer– about time!
What is powerful enough to balance out incredible fears? I’ve found unfathomable love.
Ming took this picture of me yesterday by a blooming maple tree. My good friend told me it looks like the maple tree is protecting me, like so many forces and entities are protecting me unseen.
Thank you for the unfathomable love.
