Hello, reader. How are you doing lately? Are things feeling fresh like a delicious cucumber just plucked from the vine? I like writing about how to cultivate love.
There’s the zine, Love Is a Skill We Can Strengthen, which I’m proud of. It’s listy and rich. Radical mental health and other mutual aid work are ways of doing love. Community, queer chosen family, friendships, relationships, ritual, being in communion with many beings which are human and not, living and not.
But today I’m thinking of myself as a small time farmer. Here I am in the sunshine, spending time with Parent Earth. This life is my garden. I’m planting seeds every day, and deciding where I’m going to water, cutting plants back to let the sun shine on others… I live for my garden, and I want to grow so much love.
mama
The other day I was gratitude journaling with my chosen family member–they were driving my car. We were in motion. My gratitude #3 or #4 was, “I’m grateful my mom loved me so much she fucked me up. That’s a good way to be fucked up.”
I had never said it quite like that before. My mom was a mother goddess, and I took her deep, intense, confusing love for me and ran with it. I created a similar deep, intense, confusing love style of my own.
I’ve loved so many people sort of how she loved me, which is unhinged. That wildly 11/10 love is not appropriate in most situations! Yet that’s what I think love is. And not only do I love and give unhingedly, I expect so much from others. Responsibility, integrity, collaboration, consistency, responsiveness… I’m not realistic or reasonable in my expectations. Very few people are up for that.
When you sign up to be close to me, you’re not signing up for appropriate. It’s a storm–it’s a deluge.
tension
So then my life is filled with the tension of how much to try to move toward some middle ground, vs how much to let myself be an autistic freak of justice, connection, and obsession with community.
I wrote an essay for my Disabled Love column at Dissonant Times about everything I’ve learned in community–I’m proud of it. Please take a look–it’s here.
Is your life filled with this kind of tension? The tension between being who you are, vs trying to make yourself more palatable. I’m crazy– we know this. You can show up for crazy, or decide I’m too much and go find someone who’s less.
how to cultivate love
Love is something that happens in real time, in person. But I like how love can grow in the dark, like a seed.
I want to be with people I love, especially people I’m comfortable with and can relax with. But then I want to be alone and think about what we said, how I felt, a facial expression, a moment where something new happened I never could have imagined.
Love can grow the most when I’m alone and rest. I take the time to bring the experiences deep inside me. I consider how this person fits or doesn’t fit with who I am, and who I want to be.
My own authenticity is how to cultivate love. Alone time to rest and connect dots is how I know myself and know my own heart.
questions for discussion
How do you cultivate love?
Who taught you how to love?
Was it hinged or unhinged?
Do you have realistic expectations?
What’s integrity to you?
What’s responsibility?
How do you rest and connect dots?
What are you growing in your garden?
