Hello, reader. How are you doing? Here are some ideas of how to get along in community. For me and maybe for you.
say thank you
When someone does something for me in community, including emotional labor, bringing me something I asked for, a ride, an idea that helped, food… I thank them at least once.
look for the good in people / stay curious
The Mystery is everywhere. We don’t have each other figured out. Surprises are all over the place.
Even if someone is being rude or seems against you, there might be things about them to enjoy and encourage. Most people have strengths that can be played to, and weaknesses to dodge. Dwell in the strengths.
adjust your expectations
So many struggles and dramas might be happening in someone’s life that we don’t know about. Expecting people to be kind, gentle, considerate, quiet, welcoming…. might be unrealistic. Consider lowering the bar.
release bitterness
People can be cruel to each other. But holding onto resentment is poisoning. If the feelings are not helping you, don’t carry them.
Release the pain and bitterness you feel toward anyone you’re in community with. Once a month, every season, once a year….? At some interval, tell your pain, bitterness, resentment to Parent Earth and let it go. Hate doesn’t help.
seek balance
If someone gives a lot to you, try to give to them too. No matter what resources you have… you might be able to give them a compliment, make them an art, or ask if you can sing them a song.
learn about conflict
Conflict is a source of growth, and growth hurts. It’s hard, but it’s going to happen, and we need it.
I like to study conflict by reading about it, watching videos, talking with friends. What works well? What works poorly? Think of examples in your own life. Learn about repair and bringing people back into the fold.
learn about communication
Likewise, we can improve our communication skills. Skills I like are
- repeat back what I heard
- summarize what the other person said
- ask questions to clarify
- ask for something written down if it’s detailed
- I statements
- empathy
- take a break with a defined time to return
- slow the conversation down
- balance in conversations near 50-50, as opposed to one person taking up most of the space
Some people like a talking stick. Some like mediation, small meetings, Ojai foundation council style. I hate NVC, but for some it’s a starting point. It’s true we’re trying to get our needs met.
Personally I like humor, storytelling, visual art, poetry, touch, and dance as communication. Love notes, little gifts, and acts of care like baking a cake.
humble yourself
See the bird’s eye view. You may be new on the scene or have limitations due to trauma or inexperience. Loving yourself, acknowledge that you might not be all that, and stay open to feedback– open to learning from everyone.
game of prediction
Ming suggests it can feel satisfying to predict what people will do in community, and then see when you’re right and wrong. It depersonalizes it, Ming says, and it’s no longer, “They did this to me,” but becomes more about the personality styles and patterns. Predicting over the years can turn into a deep intelligence about human nature.
Ming and I enjoy talking about the behaviors of people we’re in community with, predicting what will happen next, then comparing our predictions to what actually happens. Maybe the insight we accumulate is wisdom.
identify allies for what you want
Ming also says to figure out what you want, identifying who else wants the same things you want, and ally with those people. Don’t waste breath on people who have values / projects opposite yours.
realize it’s a business relationship
Ming also says to realize it’s partly a business relationship and people screw each other over in business, which is expected. But we can do better than screwing each other over. When money is involved, people who don’t play by some basic rules won’t win.
common enemy
Sometimes when community members are infighting, it can help to identify a common enemy to resist. It can bring a community together.
Not saying to falsely accuse an outside force of harm. But when there is an actual threat, working together to resist a threat encourages connection.
touch
Holding hands at the end of a meeting, hugs, and other forms of touch keep the bonding hormones flowing and encourage love.
fun
Shared fun times and learning together can help us see each other as complete people in community. Many like movies, but I like art and crafting together, nature time, and movement.
conclusion
Ok, what do you think about these ideas for getting along in community? I like the list. Do you know any that you would add? Please comment if so!
The ones I use the most are probably say thank you and game of prediction. One I need to work on is adjusting my expectations. Definitely I can get stuck in high standards and need to lower the bar for who humans actually are.
A favorite I need to do soon is release pain, bitterness, and resentment. I plan a ritual of release on Easter.
