Hello, reader friend. How you doing? I want to tell you how I stopped hating myself. It’s been a journey. Self-hate is an addictive process, and I’m not going to live there anymore.
I’ve written about it before, but I have more ideas. If you’re in a place where you part time hate yourself, or all the time hate yourself, let’s go.
how I stopped hating myself
Self-hate is so much easier than finding the actual problem and solving it. It’s convenient how self-hate is self-contained.
I started the bad habit in my childhood. Less powerful, many of us were abused, neglected, or so different due to disability that getting our needs met was impossible.
Self-hate is a way for less-powerful persons to do something with our rage. Like self-harm, it can be a release, and an area of life where we’re in control.
But we’re grownups now, and we can try something different. Saying no to self-hate is important because we can avoid damaging ourselves and others. We can use our energy for the work we’re actually on earth to do.
amethyst
I heard amethyst is good for people who are trying to stop behaving in addicted ways. So I made myself a magical necklace, as one does.
Here are other ways I’ve worked on releasing self-hate.
- in ritual I ask for help from forces, deities, and ancestors to do the work they put me on earth to do
- talk about self-hate honestly, with everyone– de-invisiblize it
- surround myself with old friends I trust who are gentle and who know how to love me– they praise me, see my faults, and love me powerfully for all of me– thank you!
- cut out media that portrays fat people as bad
- let myself make art
- get out of relationships where I learn I’m bad for what I need and who I am
- kind self-talk– notice when I start being mean to myself in my head, then cry, breathe, and talk to myself in a caring way instead
- experiments with dating myself and being my own lover
- then I married myself!
- list what I’m proud of
- kindness to my body and health on my own terms
- focus on what I do well
- allow myself abundant pleasure, then tell myself, “you enjoyed pleasure, and nothing bad happened to you”– train myself that I deserve pleasure and won’t get in trouble for experiencing it
- see myself as an organism among other organisms– de-emphasizing my personness
- detach from capitalism’s culture of shame, which tells us we’re bad to get us to buy things
- take time to reflect, relax, and stare at the wall– help my mind forge new connections, not rushing to the next thing, but truly resting and giving myself space to heal
- do mutual aid, support work, care work, and understand myself as part of the family of life
- identify a shame attack and notice what the shame is keeping me from doing, feeling, facing
shame and avoidance
Shame is often a distraction from responsibility or some truth nugget that I’m avoiding. It’s hell, but it’s familiar– shame is often protecting me from some more honest hell.
Often I notice self-hate as a layer trying to hide inside self-aggrandizement. I notice someone with a big voice non-consent pushing others around, or avoidantly hurling people away after bringing them close. Those fearful behaviors are grounded in a self-hate that’s trying to hide.
Let’s bring self-hate into the open and heal it. Let’s try something different. We don’t need to be stuck. We can do better in our families and communities, and just on our own.
freak
How I stopped hating myself is not a mystery. That love-work took years. There are specific things that are possible to do, if you don’t mind being a freak.
Let’s decide it’s worth it, to chase something different from the distraction everyone else is chasing. When we notice we’re drowning, let’s notice. Bravely let go of the stone.
