scary emails

Hello, reader. How’s life? I want to tell you about pre-reading scary emails. I have asked mostly Ming to do this for me, over the years.

Yes, Ming has a language-related learning disability. But I give them a list of specific questions, and Ming will usually do great pre-reading scary emails for me.

I want to tell you about it in case you ever need this service. Maybe someone close to you could pre-read for you. Or maybe it’s just me. Maybe this is a trauma, crazy, autism thing. Hopefully most people are not that scared of emails, or can just ignore scary emails and let them go.

I’m in that special place where I can’t let it go, but at some point, I realize the fear is killing me. So I need to ask for help.

Sometimes Ming’s pre-reading can help me prepare to read the emails myself. Like Ming is preparing the way for me, strewing some flower petals down the aisle so I will not collapse and lose my shit for days in crisis.

honestly

Honestly, what we’re trying to do here is avoid crisis. I can only go so long in terror or rage without health consequences, and there are things I’m here to do on this earth besides multi-hour panic attacks. So we need to find ways to help me stay functional and vertical.

Probably you are a reasonable human being who’s scared of tidal waves, tigers, taxes, tension in elevators, and other things that start with the letter t. Well, believe me– I am afraid of all those things, but more. Let me give you an example.

vacation rental

Once upon a time, there was a popular vacation rental company. Ming and I were on this sacred road trip and had three nights booked at a rental in Arcata. It was supposed to be restful before we came home.

But Ming had a bad allergy attack. The place smelled of mold the moment we walked in, so I wasn’t surprised by Ming’s allergy attack because that happened before in Portland. We packed up and left the next morning.

I’m actually glad that happened in a way because we got to see snow on the Oregon coast.

I had never seen beach snow in real life before, as someone from California. It was scary at times, in our lil Prius named Cabin in the Woods. We had chosen the coastal route specifically to avoid snow.

So much prayer of gratitude to come home safe from that epic trip.

ask

Messaging the host politely, I asked for a refund for the two nights we didn’t stay, which I thought would be easy and straightforward. She could say yes or no, right?

Wrong! Initially she said yes. But my request led to a huge debacle because the landlord’s ego was wounded by Ming’s allergy attack. She got defensive and gave me a three day tummy ache with her non-understanding of her own room rates, changing her mind on what she would refund and what she wouldn’t, and fake-apologizing for her defensiveness, then being more defensive.

non-consent deescalating

Deescalating the upset rich white lady is not my favorite task necessarily. Not my kink. In fact, I really hated trying to get part of the nearly $300 back.

I needed to be super gentle with her ego, while carefully trying to clarify misunderstandings and sort fact from fiction. She said one thing to me, said another to the rental pimps, told me to call them, but I didn’t want to call, and finally did…

Meanwhile I have my own emotional issues / trauma with power, landlords, money, and injustice. But I have the sense not to put that on a stranger. I have my spouse, friends, a therapist, a massage therapist, an energy worker, and many deities, forces, and entities who love me and have my back.

This landlord was putting the emotional labor demand on me, when she owns multiple houses, and I’m a disabled person who lives below the poverty line and has never owned a house in my life.

The situation hurt. I was so fair and gentle to her as she was so mean to me, that I started to feel like I was dying.

walk away

Probably you know me by now, reader, and you know my issues. I should have just walked away. But those scary emails were showing up in my inbox, and I’m a responsible, caring person who wants to do what’s right. It’s hard for me to ignore a knock.

Eventually self-preservation kicks in. I did start deleting the emails unread, and I asked Ming to look at the rental company website messages to see if there was something we should do. If there was a question or anything I could do to actually help the situation without incurring more harm.

information

Here’s what I wrote down for Ming.

• Is there a question being asked that would benefit me to answer?
• Is there anything I should know for our future well-being?
• Is there anything I should do, that you learn about by reading these messages?
• Should I continue to ignore these messages?

Ming read the messages while I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth. I could hear Ming groan, and that was its own information which I didn’t necessarily want.

But Ming is human after all, and it was definitely a shit show.

“Are you done reading?” I asked.

“Yeah,” Ming said.

“So what’s the conclusion?” I asked.

“I can give you a synopsis,” Ming said.

“Do I want a synopsis?” I asked.

“I don’t think so,” Ming said. “Basically the answers are no, no, no, and yes.”

Ming advised me to avoid the messages, and I have.

“How do you feel having read the messages?” I asked Ming.

“I feel great,” Ming said.

I was so glad reading the messages didn’t hurt Ming. It’s amazing how Ming can do a thing and let it go. I do a thing and agonize about it for the rest of my life, kind of.

emotional

Once an ex emailed me out of the blue and I was scared, an ex who is not an actual ex because he was never my boyfriend. Yet he harassed me on his way out.

I asked Ming to read that email because I was stuck in fear, not wanting to let the sentences into my mind, but unable to let the email go.

Here’s a list of questions for those kinds of scary emails.

• On a scale of one to ten, how brutal are these messages?
• On a scale of one to ten, how warm are these messages?
• Are they making any kind of threat?
• Are they asking for anything that I might want to say yes or no to?
• Do you think me reading these messages would improve our lives?
• Is there anything in these messages that surprises you or that you think would surprise me?
• Is there any new information that would be important to me?

the rest of the story

It’s true Ming told me they felt great after reading the scary rental landlord messages. But then at night they had a nightmare.

Poor pumpkin. Sometimes a harm comes up later. Sorry about harms. I love you.