hurting other people

Dear one, Hurting other people is an inevitable part of life. People get hurt for all sorts of reasons. A lot of how others react to us, isn’t about us at all. I think about being hurt fairly, vs being hurt unfairly.

Long ago I led a workshop on disability justice at the community where Ming and I live, and an elder white man attended. He said something to me and the group that I no longer remember, and I told him he was wrong and corrected him.

He was hurt by the interaction, and he decided I’m a bad person. I suspect that he saw me as a fat woman younger than him, a demographic he’s not used to viewing as intelligent or knowing anything that he doesn’t know.

Bright, creative fat people with big tits are not the demographic that our culture puts forth as knowledge-holders or wisdom-holders. This man was mad at me and for no good reason also mad at Ming. He didn’t speak to Ming for about a year based on my correction. He and Ming had been friends before the incident.

Yes, he was hurt, but I’m not actually sorry. I didn’t do anything wrong.

in relationship

I’ve hurt people in relationship, in ways that were not actually on me. If I love someone who’s traumatized, I might do something commonplace or innocuous that touches their trauma. They might get upset, but I didn’t do anything wrong.

Some people can injure themselves on a cotton ball. Some traumatized people are so committed to their world view, they will twist any reality to verify it.

It was confusing to me for the first 45 years of my life or so. These days, I get it. Crazy, traumatized, autistic, transqueer people are my people– so brilliant, creative, different, and blazing with life. But also full of hazards.

example

I was in love with someone who mostly hated herself. She had the world view, “Everyone abandons me–I get close to people, and they all just abandon me. I don’t know why, but it always happens.” She was angry about it.

I was like, “Oh, you’re wonderful. I would never abandon you.”

Then we continued on the path of life until she became violent, like she eventually becomes violent with everyone. We tried ten different ways to renegotiate the relationship in a happier way; I was clear and fair.

But at the end, she violenced me so badly I needed to walk away.

hurting other people

She created the problem she was afraid of. I wouldn’t call my behavior abandonment, since I tried so hard to create a better outcome. But in her mind, I abandoned her just like everyone else. I hurt her.

I truly wanted to do long-term mutually beneficial relationship. But she was more committed to her world view as the victim, than committed to me, or committed to showing up for reality.

I love curious people who are into learning and who show up for reality. Some people seem curious and into learning, but they have a few areas where they’re closed off and stuck.

advice

I’m telling you all this because I want to give you a nugget of advice. Please don’t be too afraid of hurting people. It’s ok to hurt people in ways that are fair. Sometimes, a person is just going to get hurt. You need to be who you are, do what you’re here on earth to do, say no to what you can’t do, and shine.

Some people get hurt by things that are their own trauma, in places where they haven’t taken the time to be self-aware. Maybe it’s not that you need to do something different– maybe the other person needs to go to therapy, let go of trying to control you, diversify, or get a life.

A lot of people are struggling, and you are a caring, compassionate person. I hope you can have the bravery to disappoint, frustrate, and hurt people, even people you love.

Often a parent has a view that’s outdated and colored by their own desire to live their dreams through you. It can be easy to hurt our relatives, but we have to. We need to live by our own values; some people aren’t going to like that. So be it.

Or a breakup– sometimes a relationship is not working, and we need to move on. We can’t stagnate for another person’s comfort. We need to be who we are, even if that means hurting other people. Anyone getting into a relationship knows it can end. That’s part of the deal.

kindness

I believe in kindness. My goal is to treat you and everyone I trust with kindness. I want to make a world of love.

But love isn’t all roses and ease. Telling the truth is a big part of love, and the truth can hurt.

I love you,

Strawberry