Hey, reader. How are you doing? Ming and I are recently home from a big road trip. Feels good to write about it and process transformative experiences. There’s a question I still have, now that Ming and I are home. Is California real?
I mean that question like another big question I’m asking lately– are all rivers the same river? Or are the rivers really separate?
These two questions are about some of my favorite topics to think about and feel confused about.
- distinctions
- unity
- the nature of reality
- separation vs being all one
- names
- how it’s useful or not useful, to Other
Do you wonder about these things?
mind blown
When Ming and I were on our recent road trip, it was so much time in the car. Ming and I talked for hours. Sometimes I would drive as Ming dozed. I thought a lot about
- Oregon
- geography
- rivers
- relationships
- citrus
- home
- what I really want
- who I am now
- time
- growing up
Glad to be always growing up.
violence
I learned about Oregon by spending time in California, where Ming and I come from and used to travel often. I could see Oregon better, once I was no longer in it. Also, I can see shifts in California over time.
I was feeling out the violence of the white men in big trucks who believe they’re being harmed by city life, university education, feminism, and queerness. The white men in big trucks are scary– that’s the demographic that yells insults at me, about my fat, queer, disabled body.
On this trip, I was feeling out the ruralness of Oregon vs the ruralness of California.
The white men in big trucks in California seem meaner and scare me more. I’m theorizing that the California ones are meaner because more of them are posers who seldom drive in mud or need to haul anything. Deep down, they know they don’t belong with the chainsaw men.
They are hicks but without skills, so their egos are threatened, and they’re quicker to hurt people like me and Ming.
oops
Oops, that is the not topic I came here to write about. I would like to redirect myself from the big truck men subject.
Hey, Strawberry. I love you so much. I’m sorry those men were mean to you and you’re afraid of them. That’s cool you have theories about the amount of violence they do for what reasons. But actually, it’s not fun to write about. Maybe your readers don’t come here to read you upset about that.
I hear that you’re in pain– thank you for feeling your feelings. But could you please change the subject? I bet there are other things about the trip you’d like to talk about. Like maybe you’d like to talk about the question, is California real.
yes
Yes, ok. Thank you for the gentle redirect, self. Is California real?
What I mean is that California is long and huge. There are sooooo many people there. Biomes, watersheds, cultures, plant communities, climates, landforms… California is amazing in its diversity!
So then I’m wondering if it’s real. Borders are made up lines on a map, and I’m an anarchist, not keen on states. Was it arbitrary? Is California really its own thing? Is it silly, how California is delineated?
oranges
Mostly when I’m wondering these questions, I’m thinking about oranges. It’s through a citrus lens. Please imagine thin slices of orange over my eyes. I’m looking at you through their warm sunny color.
Lemons, oranges, and other citrus. Do oranges grow all over California? No, they do not. It’s mostly certain parts. I need the sun shining on me like oranges need the sun too. I need orange flowers more than anything.
Well, I don’t need orange flowers more than anything. But right now I’m collapsing in need of the magical decadent pollen nectar floral pleasure. I need to enter and lose myself in that bliss. I must admit, I feel like a bee.
Is California real, like what am I looking for? The beaches? Citrus, eucalyptus? My mom, who is no longer a living person? Maybe I’m looking for live oaks, morning fog which burns off by afternoon, small craft advisory, cattle ranches, monarch groves, and lots of California Mexican people.
Is California a ghost haunting me? Maybe California is an idea that’s just a silly cliche at this point, or a marketing trope.
Are surfers real? Yes, people do actually surf. Are BBQs real? They BBQ in many places besides California, sweetheart. Are strawberries real?
reality
What a strange question to ask, Strawberry. Why do you ask about the reality of your own self? I assure you that strawberries are real. In fact, all berries are real, like all cats are beautiful.
Do you want California to be real? What do you even want, here? Do you want to declare California is over? Well, it’s so alive and bustling. You saw that if only at the gas stations. What do you want California to be?
I guess I wanted California to be unique. But in some ways I do believe Oregon has out-California-ed California.
Long ago I was told by an old person that California is where the nuts and fruits can be found. But wow, Oregon is filled with nuts and fruits. In the crazy, queer sense, we get weird up here. Thank goodness. Thank goodness I was supported and loved into the fruit-nut I am now.
questions for discussion
Are states real?
Is California real?
Where do you go for queerness?
What is California?
Where do you belong?
Who are your people?
Where do you need to travel?
What kind of pleasure do you most need, these days?
How do we find home?
