Hello, reader. How are you doing? I want to tell you how to deescalate Strawberry.
If you ever are near me when I’m panicking, at the edge of panicking, over overwhelmed, “autistic meltdown,” or having some kind of anger attack… In some circumstances, it might be best for me to escalate. I might need to feel something I hadn’t been letting myself feel. Thank you if you can witness me.
how to deescalate Strawberry
But if it’s not a safe environment, you’re not up for that ride, or I’m asking for help, there are some clear things you could do.
touch my back
I like my back touched in medium large, slow circles with medium hard pressure. Thank you.
hold my hand
Thank you for helping me understand I’m not alone and my culture has not abandoned me.
pray with me
Hold my hands and pray with me. I can use words, you can use words, we could sing.
three breaths
Hold my hands, look into my eyes, and take three deep breaths with me.
tell me I’m ok
Please don’t tell me I’m going to be ok; I will not believe you. I like if you tell me, “You’re ok. You’re ok right now.” It blows my mind every time, which pulls me out of my hopeless mentality.
Inside I go like, “Fuck no, I’m not ok. Wait, am I ok? Maybe I am ok…”
That combined with holding my hands and eye contact can help a lot.
water and snack
Thank you for offering me water. A snack can help if I haven’t eaten.
tea
Chamomile is nice, tulsi, mint, rosemary, or just hot water. No sugar, please.
retreat
Help me get to a quieter place, if sounds and other people are around.
advice
“Strawberry, I want you to listen to me,” you could say.
“What?” I would say, pulled into curiosity.
“Look at me,” you could say.
“Ok,” I would say.
“I want you to listen very carefully to what I’m about to tell you,” you could say.
“Ok, I’m listening,” I would reply.
Then tell me something insightful or safe. Just pulling me out of my own hamster wheel of thoughts helps. Engage me in some reassurance or problem solving, so I’m not holding alone whatever problem is panicking me.
gratitude journal and desire journal
If we haven’t already done these lists today, please play this game with me. Five things, alternating, so I say, “I’m grateful for learning,” and Ming says, “I’m grateful for the sun,” and our chosen family member says, “I’m grateful for community.” Five rounds of that. Then five rounds of what we want.
candle
“Do you want me to light the candle?” you can ask.
There’s a Virgin of Guadalupe candle on my altar. That helps me feel safe because I’m calling in my ancestors.
advanced
Most people will never be called upon to do the above. But thank you, if you’ve ever been there for me when I’m losing my mind with suffering.
The rest of the ideas are for Ming or someone else close to me who’s helping in a longer term way.
alone time
If I’m doing better but still very fragile, I could use some low-sensory alone time with a defined check in. It would be nice if you offered, “Would you like me to check in with you in twenty minutes?” Then set a timer or do what you need to do, to actually check in within the agreed time frame.
Headphones and making sure I have water can help.
If I seem ok when you check in with me, please ask if I need anything, offer half an hour, and do this process with me again.
nature
Offer to bring me to nature. If I say yes, help me pack snacks, water, and Bunny. Warm enough clothes too.
reassurance
Self-loathing often arrives when I’m at my lowest, so reassuring me that you love me, I matter to you, and our relationship is important to you is nice.
Probably I will cry anew if you tell me these things, which is good. The release is appropriate.
“You didn’t do anything wrong,” is a magical reassurance my good friend tells me. Wow, it helps.
Often I get confused when I’m in a difficult relationship and work hard to be kind and fair, but get pushed away, blamed, or rejected anyway. It helps me to hear that I didn’t do anything wrong. A bunch of worry often vanishes immediately when my good friend tells me this.
advanced advanced
Ming and I did this cool thing last time I was having a multi-hour rolling panic attack. I was having a hard time trusting my body, and I asked Ming to go through my whole body with me and tell me my body is ok. It went like this.
“Laura-Marie, your head is ok,” Ming said.
“Ming, my head is ok,” I said.
“Laura-Marie, your neck is ok,” Ming said.
“Ming, my neck is ok,” I said.
We went down my whole body this way, and it was grounding. It took a few minutes, and I enjoyed predicting which body part Ming would choose next. There was touch. And I tracked which parts Ming missed, so I could bring up those parts at the end.
“You missed my heart and my ass,” I said. “The most important parts.” So then we did my heart and my ass.
It helped me as a whole-body blessing. I was able to transition to rest.
conclusion
What do you think of this list of how to deescalate Strawberry? I have a TMAP which includes a crisis plan and some of this.
For longer term crisis, giving me lovely things to smell is helpful, art time, flowers, helping me take a shower and get to an appointment, massage, bringing me to my homeland, and other sacred journeys. I have some playlists.
Do you like these kinds of things when you’re panicking? What helps deescalate you?
Thank you for doing care work and mutual aid. If we’re going to be in community together, we need to know how to deescalate each other. I love you. So I want to know what helps you too.
