why I cuddle bunny

Hello, reader. How are you doing? Do you ever wonder why I cuddle Bunny? Let’s ponder that for a moment.

climate change camp out conference

Recently Ming and I went upstairs to Washington. Yes, that’s the state north of Oregon where we live these days. We went to a climate change camp out conference. Only we got a room indoors because of disability.

Wow, why the heck did we agree to attend a conference? Was I having a manic episode? Everyone knows Laura-Marie can’t be around people that much. Ming is a very social person. Laura-Marie loses berry’s mind.

The truth is we said yes impulsively. Our chosen family member invited us twice, so… I thought it might be a big deal. Usually they give up after one ask. Also I suddenly find myself with a lot of freedom. So we thought– why not?

food

Actually I used to help run events like that one, so my heart was with the organizers, especially the kitchen crew. Yay, they were doing the impossible. Thank you for the delicious tofu, garbanzo beans, fruits and nuts for our oatmeal, minced raw garlic for our taco time, lettuce boats, garden tomato slices. Those moist oat muffins were special too.

I love outdoor kitchens. They did such an amazing job feeding all us hungry anarchists, socialists, and liberals who are trying to help Parent Earth. All our various dairy free, gluten free, higher fat, higher protein, no corn, etc diets.

Last time I tried attending a full on conference, I felt guilty because I couldn’t go to any of the workshops. Being social at meals was all I could manage. I have about two hours of social time in me. That’s the meals!

So I skipped every workshop. I felt guilty because my ticket was subsidized. I felt like I was letting down whoever paid.

adult

Now I’m a grown up, and I understand that I am ok just as I am. If I only have two hours of socializing in me, that’s great. I love myself unconditionally. If someone has a problem with me, they can talk to every abuser who ever harmed me from age 3 to modern times. (Most are now dead.) Or they can talk to God.

“Why did you make Laura-Marie different like this?” you could ask God, possibly shaking your fist.

“Because the world needs different,” she would answer. “Some people should know how to feel. Some people should maintain their sensitivity, despite all harms. If you can’t feel all your feelings and stay enlivened to the world, don’t blame Laura-Marie for being who Laura-Marie is.”

God would slightly scowl.

“In fact, you should be thanking Laura-Marie for being your designated feeler,” she would command.

God is really careful with my pronouns. God just defaults to using my name because she doesn’t want to fuck it up. Thanks, God.

why I cuddle Bunny

Oh, speaking of feelings! That’s why I cuddle Bunny–it’s because of my feelings.

We were at this conference, and our first day there (after a night arrival), I was hella nervous. So I was carrying Bunny around with me.

No one ever says anything about Bunny. Maybe they don’t notice or don’t care. But I felt self-conscious because the crowd was tough. You might know the band tee-shirt, distressed jeans, hoodie of some kind, scuffed boots outfit… maybe a jeans jacket vest with patches.

I could embroider patches for you if you need anything. My chosen family member I embroidered THEY/THEM FAG DYKE for. The letters might be a bit too curly. But I hope some people can read it.

why

“Why am I the only person walking around cuddling a bunny?” I asked Ming. “No one else needs a bunny?”

“No, other people need a bunny,” Ming said.

“But they want to look cool?” I asked. “They’re not going to get laid if they carry a bunny?”

I started crying.

“Why do I have to be so different?” I asked.

It was hurting me not to match other people and to be taken less seriously. People think I’m stupid for being vulnerable or speaking in a different way. Some days it hurts.

why I cuddle Bunny

Later I realized that if I didn’t carry Bunny around, I might need to be sedated on psych meds again. I might need weed or alcohol. If I didn’t carry Bunny around, I might still have multiple panic attacks a day and not want to live anymore.

If Bunny keeps me happy and well, bring it. Drugs are expensive, and I want to be who I am. Just with Bunny in my arms.