what I’m actually thinking

Hello, reader. How’s things? I was talking to a new friend yesterday.  Lately I’ve been meeting trans, queer, disabled, and crazy people I like.  I realized that in conversation, new folx who don’t know me yet are often wrong about what I’m actually thinking.

They guess wrong because they don’t have much to go on.  Sometimes I don’t enjoy that.  But mostly misunderstanding is neutral, based on the other person’s experiences and sometimes their fears.

My words get misunderstood, but my silences get misunderstood for sure.  I wrote about not talking recently.

what I’m actually thinking

Usually I’m

• listening carefully to your ideas
• comparing what you say to what I already know
• considering whether your read of reality is accurate and whether I believe you
• letting it all wash over me like a wave
• listening to your accent
• enjoying your diction
• getting delighted by a cute phrase now and then
• feeling an emotion stir inside me based on something you said
• noticing patterns and coincidences
• connecting dots
• feeling the desire to say something back to you that’s comforting, a question, or a way I relate

distraction

Sometimes distraction will pull me away from what you’re saying.  Often it’s a sensory distraction like a train going by, a dog barking, pain in my hips, or the wind making my skirt blow against my leg.

Often it’s a distraction about time.  Ming is picking me up at 3pm, and what time is it now?

Sometimes anxiety or plans tug at me.  I’m listening to you, but I start thinking about dinner or a promise I made and forgot about then suddenly remember.  Maybe a promise to you, but more likely a promise to someone else.

what I’m actually thinking

What I’m actually thinking is mostly neutral.  Unless I really dislike you, I’m probably not making any harsh judgments.  If I dislike you, I’m not going to converse.

Conversationally I’m along for the ride, hoping your ideas will take me somewhere new and give me something to learn, a sweet feeling of connection, or insight I’ve been needing and didn’t even know I needed.

Can you feel my skepticism at times?  That’s as close to a harsh judgement as I usually get.  I can’t turn off the critical thinking.  I might decide you’re wrong, or I might have a feeling like, “That doesn’t match my experience,” but I don’t condemn unless you are off base in a way that hurts me.

A good example of being off base in a way that hurts me is if someone repeats normal ideas about fatness and health, mentions cruelly that someone is psychotic or “delulu,” or says something about disabled people that’s dismissive.  I get turned off really fast and might stop listening if someone is making moral judgments about body types or other nonsense that’s damaged me in the past.

Of course I could jump on it and tell you how you’re wrong, but that’s almost never worth it.  Most people don’t get their knowledge from fat, transqueer gentlepeople such as myself.

And anyone who’s going to love me probably already understands the basics of disability justice, fat liberation, and what radical mental health is.  If you’re in kindergarten with basic justice, probably it’s not going to work out.  So there’s no reason to argue.  I’m going to look elsewhere for friendship.

micro conflict

The whole reason I bring up this topic of what I’m actually thinking is that a new person’s wrong guesses can cause a thread of micro conflict in our conversations.  Someone guesses that my silence is judgement, when I just like silence.  Or someone thinks I’m shocked when it takes a lot to shock me, honestly.

Someone thinks I’m bored when really I paused because a beautiful dragonfly just zigzagged by.  They didn’t see it because we’re talking on the phone.  Tiny misunderstandings can affect the mood of the conversations.

So yeah, if we’re friends, please believe me that I hold you in positive regard or else I would walk a different route to avoid your door, not offer to phone you, not do a project with you.  If I’m choosing you it’s for a reason; I don’t do casual relationships.  If I’m trying to be your friend, it’s probably because I see God shining out of you.  I want you in my life.