outdoor cat

Hello, reader.  How are you doing?  I thought I was an indoor-outdoor cat.  Then yesterday I suddenly realized I had become an outdoor cat.

Let me tell you the events that led up to this realization.  Recently I went to visit a friend.  I asked if we could go to the park and talk, as a free and easy activity.  But for a few reasons, we ended up visiting indoors at their sibling’s place.

Wow, new indoors places overwhelm me.  They vary–spartan indoors spaces that are old and low-smell can be ok.  My own space and the spaces of the people I most know and love can be wonderful and feel safe.

The homes of strangers can give me a panic attack.  Arriving at a vacation rental often inspires tears.  I need to cry for a while then come to terms with where I am.

New people, new dogs, and strong smells are very hard for me indoors.  That’s an understatement.  If I’m outdoors, the sky loves me, any tree is my good friend, and the plants underfoot are comforting.  The air is usually ok to breathe, and I feel free to get up and move around.

truth

You know how you can know things about yourself but not quite articulate them?  Well, it’s time for me to tell the truth.  New indoor spaces overwhelm me.  That’s been real all my life, but I’ve never had the option of saying no.  As a kid, I was dragged all sorts of places; we did so many things I absolutely did not want to do.  That was actually the norm.

When pandemic became a thing, I stopped all shopping, and Ming took over.  Wow, what an improvement to my life.  People were bitterly upset about lockdown, but I was blissed to avoid huge stressors.  Stores are the worst!

Autism is a lot of work.  I’m sorry that I spent much of my first 20 years very upset or recovering from being very upset, partly due to being shoved into environments I couldn’t tolerate.

yesterday

Then yesterday I was at my dear one’s place–we were planning a brief ritual in the yard.  They went inside to get a lighter.

I gathered the plant matter I wanted to burn, the object I needed to bury, and my water bottle to pour water from.  But I had to pee.  I didn’t want to go inside.  So I found a spot that seemed safe to pee by my dear one’s van.

I’ve peed in the wild and in rural areas many a time, but it was different to pee outdoors in the city.  Afterward I was like–was that ok?  Did someone in a nearby house see me from their window?  Actually I had found a wonderful spot.  I hoped I could remember the spot and someday pee there again.

inside

This is what would have happened, if I went indoors.

• walk on stairs
• pass by weird items left by many housemates
• pass through chaotic laundry room
• possibly see housemates and need to converse
• surprises
• smells
• possible pets
• how clean is the bathroom?
• is there soap I can put up with by the sink?
• inability to trust any towel besides my own

Yes, much easier to pee outside.

outdoor cat

Thank you for understanding now that I’m an outdoor cat.

Indoors is good for few bugs, no rain or wind, and steady temperature.  Bugs are hell when they crawl on me or bite me.  There are reasons I can’t camp or live outdoors full time.  But outdoors is where I have more chance of being well.

I love outdoor showers, and I still want to make a zine about outdoor kitchens.  Please let me know if you would like to collaborate.

Also I need to be near bodies of water for emotional and spiritual healing.  Here’s Ming at Heceta Beach.