gaze upon me

“Gaze upon me,” I said to Ming.

Ming was still in bed, woken up but on their phone.  They looked up at me.

“Like me,” I said.

“I like you,” Ming said.

I was making breakfast–Ming had already taken their first drugs of the day.

breakfast

“Do you want sweet or savory breakfast?” I’d asked.

“What?” Ming asked.

“Sweet like raisins and hot cereal,” I said.  “Or savory.”

“What’s savory?” Ming asked.

“I was thinking salmon burger and leftover wild rice,” I said.

“Salmon burger and leftover wild rice,” Ming said like echolalia.  They love a word chunk.

“Yeah, I thought you might like that,” I said.

so much

“I was thinking about something you said yesterday that I loved,” I said.

“What was that?” Ming asked from bed.

“We were talking about my missteps, relationship-wise,” I reminded Ming.  I’ve been hating on myself for my mistakes.  “And you said my mistakes have given me so much to write about.  You are so right!”

love bombing

“The reason love bombing exists is that it works!” I said.  “It feels so good.  I’m like–ah.  That’s as things should be.  I guess I was wrong about that person.”

I remember the first time I heard of love bombing.  My therapist in Las Vegas mentioned it to me.

“Let me print out an article for you,” she said.

She explained how someone is hurting you and knows it, but wants to make you stay.  She explained it as manipulation, maybe from a narcissist.

“It seems very human,” I told Ming.  I was standing by the sink sorting spinach.  “To want to reel someone back in.  We’re looking for balance everywhere.  We need to try things.”

“I don’t think it has to be just pathological,” I continued.  “They want to be that person–they’re just not.  Or they are all the versions.”

spinach

“What are you doing?” Ming asked.

“I’m sorting spinach,” I said.  “As one does.”

My dear one gave me a tub of dumpstered spinach, and I used most of it the first day.  But half of what was left was no longer pretty, so I sorted good leaves from bad, to wash and include in my breakfast of wild rice and veggie burger.

gaze upon me

I love Ming’s generosity.  Love makes room for love.  Ming is kind to me, which helps me be kind to other people.  Ming sees even my errors in a good light.

Often I take it for granted.  But many people don’t have even one true friend, let alone a partner with a golden heart.

Often Ming doesn’t gaze upon me with their eyes.  But they gaze upon me with their whole life, keeping my needs in mind, trying more and more to know me and line up with me as they lose their marbles.