Hello, reader. How you doing? I’m tempted to say good morning because morning is my favorite time. The world seems so alive in the quiet pre-dawn. Anything is possible. I wrote this post for you called relationship attempts.
False spring bloomed, and now it’s back to full-time Oregon rain.
relationship attempts
Last night I remembered something important I’d realized before but forgot.
Ming asked me, “Is ________ a good friend?”
“Yes!” I said. “They are a great friend!”
Later I remembered: how good a friend someone is, depends on what they are attempting. Wow, that is so true. What standards am I holding someone to, and why?
A great example is how Ming can find the best in everyone. I love that. Ming’s relationships are mostly easy these days.
- relaxed
- casual
- mutually supportive
- friendly
- respectful
- chill
Ming doesn’t ask much of friends. Walks, hikes, shared projects, sometimes rearranging materials at the storage unit. Emotionally, the load is light.
close
On the other hand, I do friendship in a whole other way, preferring to get super close.
- involved in each other’s spiritual lives
- frequent contact
- talking about feelings for days
- supportive
- asking for help
- offering help
- up to date about close relationships
- with commitment
- shared projects
- shared language
- long term tenderness
- building trust
- reading reality together
There are countless opportunities for missteps when we’re connecting with a 10 out of 10 relationship. We visit the deep end of the pool. We take risks while attempting the difficult dive.
apology
I’m sorry if I was critical while we attempted advanced relationship. Especially if we were in a gray area, making our own path. I’m sorry intense relationship can be full of hazards. Some say I expect too much.
Who decides what expectations are realistic? Usually the person with the most power. I’m working on my Emperor energy, stable in who I am and not controlled by louder voiced, big personalities. Hopefully I don’t swing to far to the pushy side.
When I lament about how trauma feels like a bottomless well I could never heal, my therapist brings up neuroplasticity. The truth is, I’ve already neuroplasticitied the fuck out of myself for survival, and I expect others to have done the same.
I get confused when people aren’t stepping up to control their own lives, deeply responsible. Yes, I’m cranky when I’ve done hard work in an area and think everyone else should have too.
compassion
Most people are trying to pay the bills, feel some pleasure, and make it through another day. Mother God, please grant me compassion and the perspective to see that we’re all living our own struggle.
Sometimes I feel like an antlered ungulate fighting another for territory or mating rights. In an intense human way, we’re engaged in passionate struggle. But I forget this the play of Maya. For impassioned moments, I lose perspective and think the conflict is life.
Life is rarely that dramatic. I’m fortunate that more often my life is simple.
- dancing
- conversation
- writing a poem
- making soup
- Ming bringing home groceries and flowers
- a sewing project
- insomnia
- taking a shower
- blowing my nose on an old sock
Ming is there for me to a super-human degree. When they attempt the 10 out of 10 dive and make mistakes, I hope I can remember that their good heart is where I take refuge. I’m not going to dwell in a perceived error. Ming is doing something no one else does–picking me up when I’m destroyed, feeding me dinner when I run out of energy at the end of the day, listening to me cry about every sad feeling, growing and changing with me for the long haul.
The friend Ming asked about is a good friend, but they are not here, doing family.
questions for discussion
Who stays in your life and why?
How much intimacy do you want in your relationship attempts?
Do you need a ton of support?
Do you offer as much?
How appreciative are you?
Is it commensurate?
How much do hormones factor in?
Do you rely on how pretty you look?
Who are you, when the lights are off?
