Long ago when I was married to my ex-husband, he started making waves in his family of origin after decades of being controlled and abused. He was the youngest child and the only boy of all the cousins. As a child he had a remarkable speech delay and other developmental differences. As a young adult when he started to assert himself in his family, his family didn’t like that. His sister said she was “walking on eggshells.”
“Walking on eggshells” was a phrase of blame. How dare you make me consider you in any way– how dare you try to change the pattern where I have the control, and you have almost zero.
In his family he’d been pushed around all his life. They liked the role they had put him in, and they partly blamed me for how things were suddenly going wrong. In their opinion, my ex objecting to anything was a huge problem.
It was a nasty situation to step into. Looking back through time, I pity myself for showing up, authentic and scared, for something like an ambush. I was not like them–I didn’t have money, didn’t love shopping, wasn’t white like them, and my values were radical.
They saw me as a ridiculous person, and I was outnumbered. A young person myself, struggling in my own family of origin, I wasn’t able to defend myself.
stress
The stress of being in that environment was bad for my health. I’m surprised that relationship lasted as long as it did (more than 12 years).
Living in community I’ve encountered a similar dynamic. Some entitled people are used to having their way unquestioned–they’re used to being right and having people do what they say. Someone points out how they did something wrong, and that truth teller is now a bully. The accusations are amplified and flung back harder, because how dare you question me.
Trauma plus entitlement is a bad combination. We all have trauma. But not everyone thinks they’re always right, and the people around them should do what they say.
Community means we’re here to love one another and welcome everyone to the table, even people we don’t like. Forming factions is so human, but it can become an echo chamber when misguided entitled people amplify their opinions back to one another. Compassion is too rare, and emotional skills are low.
digging deeper
Here are questions to ask when we hear accusations like “You make me feel like I’m walking on eggshells.”
- Who has the power in the situation?
- Why is someone saying this? What do they get, for saying it?
- Who is being hurt?
- What’s the history here?
- What is a bully?
- Who is telling the truth?
- What truths are unwanted here?
- How can we increase communication?
- How can we share power fairly?
uncomfortable
Making people uncomfortable is an inevitable part of being in relationship, including families and community. Often it’s the people with less power who live in discomfort continuously, unspokenly, as power determines whose needs get met.
It’s uncomfortable to share power when you’re used to having your way. “Walking on eggshells” hurts as an accusation when it’s trying to shame people for telling the truth.
The whole situation makes me want to run away and live alone. If only I could afford that. Solitude is unrealistic. Liberation is shared, and we need each other. So we need to learn how to love each other in non-ideal conditions, with all our baggage and pain.
rest
How do I live in community despite being an outlier introvert whose disabled body can’t take much stress? I like staying curious, asking questions, and showing up for the Mystery. It’s important to remind myself that I know only a tiny fraction of the story.
I need plenty of downtime and rest, so I’m sorry when it looks like I don’t care. Actually I care so much that I need to carefully choose how I engage so I can stay functional.
Also I enjoy cooking for people, and sharing pleasure like dance, movement, music, and sunshine. We are so different, but we’re all animals.
I see the risks in relationship and community, and I take the risks that seem worth it. Always asking for help from Ming, dear ones, friends, and Mother God who loves me. At critical junctures I pull tarot cards and try to feel the water currents moving under the surface. What’s really happening here? The water of truth is important.
