Hello, reader. How’re you doing? I’m thinking about how needs work in relationships. Over the decades I’ve been close to many people.
- partners
- best friends
- beloved penpals
- close friends
- chosen family
Often I get closer and closer to someone until we hit our big issue. Sometimes we can recover from that, and sometimes we never do.
Because I’m disabled, my needs are different and variable. Some people want to show up for messiness– some people don’t. Some people will show up for part of it. Ming shows up for all of me, and I thrive on that.
But it’s hard to feel many intense needs and have only a few people in my life who are interested in collaborating deeply. Most people work full time, many people are caring for kids, and who has the energy to really be there for another person?
money
Many people subcontract their needs out, paying money to get needs met through capitalism.
- health care providers
- therapists
- home care workers
- sex workers
- restaurants
- weed delivery
- grocery delivery
- house cleaners
I’m an anarchist; I prefer community and homegrown collaboration, which is part of why I do radical mental health. But not a lot of people are on this same page.
what are needs?
I’m disabled with autism, mental health challenges, and chronic pain. Some of my needs are regular, and some are different.
Here are some examples of what I need.
- much more rest and downtime than you might imagine
- a feeling of safety in my home
- quiet, low-sensory space
- to be told the truth
- consent
- respectful medical care
- people to dance, sing, and move with
- daily touch with people I trust
- grounding cultural activities
- prayer and ritual
- abundant clean water
- delicious, nourishing food
- shower and toilet that work for my body
- frequent access to nature
- a kitchen where I can cook
- people to love and take care of
- to write undisturbed in the mornings
- learning
- to be treated with gentleness and patience
- ramps or sturdy handrails for stairs
- strong chairs large enough for my ass
- a seatbelt that fits
- reassurance
- responsibility
- clear scheduling
- my gender respected
- disabilities respected
- fatness respected
- to be real about who I am
- access to sexuality, which includes privacy
- to use my gifts
- to feel however I feel
- 68-74 degrees F most of the time
- to be known
being real
For most of my life, I thought my needs were wrong because that’s what I was taught at home, at school, and at church. Then as an adult, I learned that my needs are too much at work, in public places like grocery stores and restaurants, and in community.
For my own survival, I’ve tried to minimize my needs and not hurt people with them. I was taught that even inconveniencing someone with my needs was too much to ask. In my family as a child, I was taught that inconveniencing others was hurting or harming them.
Minimizing needs doesn’t work well because the needs will pop up in another way. Growing up is my ongoing process of learning to be real. I take time to reflect and know myself, ask for help, tell the truth to my loved ones, and problem solve when my needs aren’t met.
The truth is, many many people are trying to live with huge unmet needs. Houseless people are an obvious example. Their basic needs for home, shelter, privacy, food, water, to be the right temperature, respect, toilet, shower, and safety are all unmet. Most people see this and do little or nothing to help.
support
Recently I was being interviewed. “Do you have a lot of support?” an interviewer asked.
“Well, I look for support in many ways. And there are so many people I love and who love me. But I need more support in person,” I said.
The truth is my ACE score is 9; I have wretched trauma. I need emotional tenderness and care that most people can’t provide.
how needs work in relationship
In intimate relationships, we have expectations that some behaviors, like sex, mean we probably will share other behaviors as well, like frequent checking in or aftercare.
Figuring out what a relationship will be, often two people have discrepancies of desire. We need to suss out how much support, consideration, scheduling, and tenderness we’ll ask for and provide. This can lead to saying, “Nah!” before dating even starts. Or if the dating starts, needs can lead to conflict, overt or seething.
- What’s fair to ask for?
- Can needs be wrong?
- Do we have a responsibility to meet each others needs?
- What do we do when needs conflict?
- How does power in our relationships determine whose needs get met?
Unmet needs can lead to resentment, which is a big part of how relationships are destroyed and love is eroded.
Needs are never wrong, but I believe we can’t pin our needs on one specific person. Trying to make another person meet our needs when they can’t or don’t want to– that’s wrong. It takes effort and practice for me to keep bringing myself back to the truth: I’m responsible for myself, consent means not pressuring people, I don’t deserve anything from anyone, and I can ask for anything, but I need to be ok with a no.
Even if someone promised me something, maybe they didn’t understand their own capacity, changed their mind, or made that promise based on incomplete information.
If I have a kid or otherwise signed up to care for someone, then I have obligation and duty. Otherwise, we’re at choice. Relationships are supposed to be fun.
partners, best friends, close friends
Relationship type affects what needs are welcome. Oftentimes, figuring out what relationship I have with someone is actually about figuring out what needs we want to meet for one another.
“I like to think that your feelings are valid,” my dear one said.
We were talking about an event we had considered attending together, then decided not to.
“Yeah, my feelings are valid,” I said. “But that doesn’t mean you can handle them!”
“You’re right!” my dear one said.
Then I laughed. My feelings and needs are huge. It’s ok for even very close people to say no.
what to do
When I want someone to meet my need and they can’t or don’t want to, I have a lot of options.
- grieve, cry, rage
- back off
- visit nature
- ask myself the need under the need–what is this situation actually about?
- ask someone else to meet the need short term or long term
- nurture other relationships and see if the need shifts or eases
- rest and breathe
- speak kindly to myself
- talk about the situation with people I trust
- ask my ancestors and Parent Earth for help
- find a creative way to meet the need for myself
- dream work
- visualize
- give extra care to my body, mind, and spirit
- try healing the pain that’s causing the intense need
- ask the same person for help with a different need or a smaller piece of the same need
needs conflict
When needs conflict, the person who needs less tends to “win.” Who’s more invested? The less invested person has more freedom. The way consent works is that the person who is more resigned, reserved, cautious, and detached is the person whose needs are centered. Right?
It makes me think of givers and takers. Also I think of balance. Lopsided relationships can be so painful and often don’t last. If I’m showing up an 8 out of 10, and the other person is showing up a 4 out of 10, my heart will be broken unless I find a way to turn my love down, or the other person finds a way to turn their love up.
Ideally our desires and capacities would match in any given relationship. But if we’re living, growing people, we change. Also the world changes around us, if only season by season. I’m a different person in summer than in winter. Probably a lot of beings transform.
love
Vulnerability is my strength, and probably you know that I err on the side of love. I make a fuckton of mistakes that way, but you know how mistakes are a short path to enlightenment. My mistakes shine so brightly like jewels in my crown. I’m proud of what I’ve tried. I would much rather fail than hide.
Often I vow to hide, but that only lasts a short time.
How needs work in relationships can feel unjust because I have less social capital as a fat, disabled, low income person. With less power, I might have less ability to get my needs met. But Ming and I continually replenish the fountain of our true love. Good friends check in and collaborate on life. I stay real in community. Parent Earth nourishes and supports me, my ancestors hold me up, and I keep trying.
At the very least I have a lot of language. Thank you for feasting on my words. You are a very good reader, and you matter to me.
