There was a knock on the door, and I jumped up.
“Who is it?” I asked loudly.
There was no answer. My heart was pounding in my chest.
“Who is it?” I repeated.
Again there was no answer. I opened the curtain on our door to look out into the darkness.
“Probably delivery,” Ming said.
I opened the door and saw Ming was right. A small package was on the porch right by the door–I picked it up.
la migra
“God, that scared me,” I said. “I don’t know why I’m fearing ICE. I have papers!”
Ming looked at me and took the package from the desk where I’d left it.
“You have papers!” I said to Ming.
“Do I?” Ming asked.
I considered what proof we have that la migra can’t take us away. If they want to badly enough, of course anyone with a gun can take anyone away. That’s the problem with laws. They only help when they’re enforced, which can take such a long time.
I thought about where Ming’s birth certificate is, if their expired passport would help. Really the knock kindled a fear beyond reason. The fear was in my body.
“I’m sorry you were scared,” Ming said.
fear
What are you most afraid of? I’m afraid of death, but I’m more afraid of half-death. I’m afraid of women from Ming’s past, especially the mean ones. Afraid that cancer is already growing my body, death by flood, many ways of being trapped. Yes, trapped is a big one.
Does it help to talk about fears, or does talking just make it worse?
There are mundane fears too.
- car wreck
- dog bite
- theft
- sensory hell
- social hell
- hackers
- germs
- slipping, falling, and breaking my hip
- Ming’s health decline
- catching ringworm from a friend’s cat
- being misunderstood
- being misgendered forever by people I love
I might look like a woman to you, but I’m not a woman. I do remarkable work loving, caring, giving, paying attention, tracking needs, feeling my feelings, putting thoughts into words, supporting my loved ones. But those traits don’t belong to any gender.
My breasts might make you think of women, but anyone can have breasts. Let’s live more expansive ideas of gender.
questions for discussion
Does a knock on the door scare you?
Are you paranoid-leaning?
Do you know not to open the door, and who needs to have signed a warrant?
What scares you the most?
Is your gender perceived and acknowledged?
Do you feel safe in your home?
How can we make a more happy, secure world with justice?
