reactions

Hello, reader.  You know how stuff is happening all around us constantly?  I have some basic, obvious reactions.  But the truth is, I have ten reactions, and some of them are quiet.  If I have ten reactions, number nine and number ten might be tiny whispers.

People say I have “delayed processing,” often the case with autism.  Yes, it takes me a long time to understand what happened, come to conclusions about whether I want more, and ponder what it means in the context of my life.

ten hours

Yesterday I told my dear friend that I would like a ratio of ten hours of processing time for every one hour that I do things.  Yes, if something important happens to me (and most things are important), I want to remember it clearly, look at it from multiple angles, feel my feelings about it at the time, and feel the feelings that surface later.

Do I want more experiences like that, or less?  What parts felt right?  Was there justice?  What would I like to do differently?  I connect the dots.

Delayed processing is an autism thing.  I’ve been harshly criticized for “bringing up the past” when I need help.  Yes, it takes me a long time.  But neurotypical ways of doing life aren’t everything.  What if the depth of my understanding-work is actually valid?  What if all different ways of processing are ok?

I suspect that most people process quickly because they’re only exploring their two or three biggest reactions.  Maybe they don’t notice much to begin with and have less data to examine.

In a disability justice fashion, I suggest that I don’t have delayed processing at all.  Let’s reframe that.  What if neurotypical people have impaired processing, or superficial processing?  Rushed processing.  Simplistic processing.

later

Often my fifth or sixth strongest reaction has shifted into the #1 spot a week or two later.  My first impression of an event can be skewed based on a knee-jerk response, my mood, a relationship struggle, what I expected to happen, or maybe I was hungry…

A few days later more authentic or more substantial reactions might become dominant in my stew of what happened.  Or maybe the chorus of reactions feels different in its flavor or sound.  Maybe it’s not hierarchy exactly but the combination forms a new mood.

questions for discussion

How much time do you give yourself to process?

Is processing the main thing you’re doing when you rest?

How do you know which life events are important?

Do you tend to have the same reactions to similar events, or are your reactions all over the place?

Do you find yourself predictable?

Often do your reactions shift over time like mine do?

Does it confuse your friends when your perspective shifts?

Are you comfortable changing your mind?

With others knowing you changed your mind?

How can these possibilities affect how we do consent?

alexithymia

There’s a word for when you have an issue knowing how you feel: alexithymia.  Not sure how to pronounce it.

Like many possible aspects of autism, you can have the profound lack, or you can have the profound overabundance.  When I have ten different feelings about something that just happened (or who am I kidding–more like 20 different feelings), that’s overwhelming.  If someone cares to listen, I can explain and make a list.

Add synesthesia, and I can tell you what colors my feelings are as well.  Some would say I have too much information.  Therapists call me “very self-aware” like that’s a good thing.  I squirm because I don’t like the value judgment.  There are many ways of being in this world.

aftercare

Aftercare can give someone the safety to be real about their reactions.  I’m happy I choose to marinate in my own life.

From the outside, it looks like many people are distracting themselves: rushing to the next stimulation.  I’m happy to savor my experiences and reactions.  The event happened, and it might have cost a lot of money, energy, heart.  My response is free.