let it be Christmas

“Hey, dear.  Should we let it be Christmas?” I asked Ming.

It was two weeks ago, and I was writing at my desk.

“Yeah,” Ming said.

“Great,” I said.

“What does that mean, to let it be Christmas?” Ming asked.

“It means we get to listen to Christmas music mostly,” I said.

“Oh, ok,” Ming said.

music

Mostly I adore the Christmas music of Sufjan Stevens.  Yes, he’s my kind of crazy.  Some years I would start in November and keep it going through possibly February.

Also there’s the John Denver muppets Christmas album that’s cherished from childhood.  We listened to it every year as we decorated the Christmas tree: strong emotions are there.

But guess what.  I can’t do it anymore.  Christmas mattered to my mom, who was Christian, and I associate Christmas strongly with my mom.  I don’t want to be a person with landmines, but Christmas is a terrible landmine field.

The pretty fairy lights are ok.  But trees, decorations, and sweaters hurt.  The music is the worst.

I listened to favorite Christmas music for an hour maybe and stopped.  I felt like I just got beat up.  Uggh.  My whole body ached with grief.  The will to live was leaking out of me.

Let’s not let it be Christmas anymore.  Let’s put it back in the box.

grief

Where does grief go?

I thought setting aside the first two years after my mom died to really feel grief was a great start.  Facing the reality of my mom’s death was nurturing: respectful to my feelings.  Respectful to the whole process.

I thought I’d get a lot done in those two years and be in a good position to live the rest of my life without my mom.  She was the person I was closest to besides Ming.

Well, it was a good idea.  But grief is powerful.  I didn’t understand that grief about my mom would take up permanent residence in my life and be part of all that I do.  It’s a layer on everything.

It’s good to have loved and lost.  Grief is not a mistake, anomaly, or exaggeration.  Feelings aren’t an embarrassment.  Feelings are real and part of life.

Grief isn’t a problem.  It’s normal for our parents to die before we do, and it’s normal that we love our parents in a special way.  Thank goodness I was able to love my mom the way I did, and the way I do.

Grief isn’t an interloper or fiend.  Grief is normal–it’s my birthright.  It’s not a monster or error.

Grief is welcome at the table of my feelings.  But it’s hard work to keep feeling, loving, striving to be who I’m here on earth to be, supporting Ming, doing community….  Do I have the energy to keep it up?

holidays

I have no choice but to let it be Christmas in the sense that Christmas is here.  You can’t dam time.  So I’m asking for help, loving Ming, and the show must go on for the living.

Yesterday we were in Portland at a very beautiful cemetery called Lone Fir.  It was more than I could have imagined.  The pix are from there.