Hello, reader. How are you doing? Wow, I didn’t post for a while. I’m working on a novel for National Novel Writing Month, so that takes energy. And I made a new zine (see below). But mostly it was a mistake. I have a few half-written posts I just haven’t finished. This morning I got out of bed needing to write about freedom over our bodies.
I woke up with the topic strong in my mind because I switched doctors, and I have my second appointment with my new doctor on Monday. She ordered a buncha tests and wants to start me on a new medication that I’ve been on before which makes me sick, to the point that I can barely leave the house.
So I need to go into the appointment on Monday grounded in my values. We all deserve freedom over our bodies, even me.
I need to show up ready to fight for my needs, which is sad, that the power differential in mainstream medicine is that whacked. Fighting for freedom over our bodies is stressful. What if we made a world where respect was the norm? What if I didn’t need to put on emotional armor just to show up at a medical appointment?
I wish medical providers were seen as consultants or guides, not authorities to be obeyed. The power differential hurts. The shame I’ve endured from doctors and dentists is reprehensible. It’s never helped me make a “better choice.” It’s only made me never want to seek medical care again.
medical shame / emotional manipulation
Here’s a list of what I’ve been shamed for.
- my fatness
- not losing weight when they told me to
- gaining weight
- their imagination of how I eat
- their imagination of my lack of exercise
- not following through on treatments they advised me
- my sexuality
- not flossing my teeth
- being different, like having a symptom they had not heard of before
- having done research on my own
- asserting knowledge that they didn’t have
- asking questions they didn’t know the answers to
On the flip side of that, I’ve been praised for things in a way that hurt. For example, I’ve been praised for losing weight when the reason I lost weight was illness or that I almost died when I had that ulcer bleed and couldn’t eat for days.
Near-death was not good for my health. But mainstream medical providers are that obsessed with the simplistic, harmful mentality that thin = healthy.
blessing
Yesterday my chosen family member was over, and before they left, they asked if there was anything they could do to support me. I asked them to bless me for my medical appointment. To hold my hands and tell me they’re proud of me for trying to improve my health by going to the doctor, that nothing the doctor says about me is necessarily true. And to tell me they respect my freedom over my own body and what I do with it.
I felt nourished when my loved one held my hands, looked into my eyes, and told me those ideas which help me feel stronger to go into the appointment ready to assert my needs and stay grounded in my validity. In the past decades I’ve crumbled in appointments and agreed to things I didn’t want to out of fear or thinking I had no choice.
Also I’ve walked out of appointments hating myself and wishing I did not exist, scrambled in my ideas of who I am and my own worth. Also I’ve avoided care and canceled appointments because I was terrified and couldn’t face the whole situation. It takes a ton of preparation to make myself show up. Then it takes a lot of rest and aftercare to return to baseline–days.
values
“I hope you believe we all deserve freedom over our bodies as much as I think you do,” I told my dear friend. “I hope I didn’t just project that onto you.”
They gathered their things to go.
“I hope I believe it as much as you think I do,” my friend replied.
It was a funny moment considering values, accuracy of how we’re perceived, and how deeply we’re anarchists.
anarchy
Freedom over our bodies is a basic value, one facet of anarchy. Am I right?
My body is mine, but I’ve been treated for much of my life that it’s not. When I was a kid, my body was a way to prove someone else’s worth, communicate obedience, and stay still for the ease of adults. Now that I’m a full on grow up, I let myself stim and move about as I want to.
Side note: I have a theory that being forced to stay still much of my life is part of why I have so much trouble with my lymphatic system. Our lymph needs us to move so it can move. Staying still is physically harmful.
Here are some freedoms that I find sacred.
- abortion rights– I’m free not to carry a fetus
- consent– to live my life without anyone preying on me or crossing my lines
- trans rights– to express who I am genderwise however I need to, including with hormones or surgeries
- queer rights– to love whoever
- drug rights– to use substances for whatever reasons
- right to sexuality– we all deserve privacy to masturbate or have sex with another person, with access to erotic art, even people in assisted living facilities, skilled nursing facilities, group homes, and other repressive environments
- not being drafted
- prison abolition
- psychiatric rights– I’m free to say no to medications and free to say no to treatments like electroshock
- autistic freedom– to stim, moderate my sensory input, and be who I am
- homeschool / unschool / alt school freedom– kids shouldn’t be required to go to regular school
- book freedom– to read whatever
conclusion
Probably I’m forgetting some freedoms I hold dear. Do you have any important freedoms that I missed, reader?
I’m not keen on most drugs. Addiction wrecked my family of origin. Alcohol, opioids, and meth in particular I find nasty. But it’s basic respect that everyone should be allowed to use whatever substances. Drug laws are racist and don’t make much sense.
I made this zine How to Navigate Mainstream Medicine for Crazy, Fat, Queer, and/or Disabled People. It’s a mini. It has ideas of how we can maintain freedom over our bodies. Up for trades!
