Hello, reader. How you doing? I’ve been thinking about what a friend is.
What distinguishes a friend from a partner? Are the classifications even important?
I’m wondering because I struggle with relationship: closeness and commitment, balance, whether my needs are ok. Often I crave best friend relationships with more intimacy than usual friendship, which can get confusing. Always I crave chosen family relationships with deep security.
Society doesn’t always have names for the relationships I co-create with other brilliant, creative people. That’s ok, but the other person and / or I can get hurt, when we’re not on the same page.
Differentiating what a friend is seems helpful. Can I even comprehend the categories?
contrast of friendship vs partnership
Of course romance and sex are often part of partnership, and not friendship. But some partnerships don’t have sex, especially ace folx and some elders.
I’m not sure what romance is. Like the queer autistic person I am, I’ve tried searching “what is romantic love” and came out the rabbit hole no more certain than when I entered it. Many people believe friendship is lighthearted, while romantic love is deeply caring about people and mutually working toward our well-being, shared and individual.
That would mean I feel romantic love for everyone I know. Wow, that’s weird. We live in a culture where capitalism means selfishness is the norm, and care is too rare.
Another complexification: I hear about “friends with benefits” where two people are not partnered, but are friends who have sex. Sounds messy and confusing. More power to you, people who can do that fairly and skillfully. But no way could I maintain that for more than five seconds.
I fall in love with a leaf–I fall in love with a street sign, a bird, a sound. No way in hell can I share my body and soul with someone, then act like it wasn’t a big deal.
what a friend is
Do you wonder what a friend is too, reader? Well, you know me. I’m an idea-generating person. Here is my brainstormed list of what a friend is.
- they don’t need to be super compatible like a partner–there’s more distance, so there’s more possible difference
- a flower in the bouquet of flowers
- people enough like us to feel comfortable with
- to do stuff with
- could be a comrade
- to give and receive new ideas
- newness of activity
- newness of perspective
- to support us
- access intimacy
- to challenge us
- food and errands
- help us get perspective on our other relationships: gossip and “catch up”
- share resources like extra jacket or dumpstered veg
- wingman
- longterm with history, seeing us through multiple jobs, homes, partners
- short term drifting away
- exes turned friends, like my bestie
- former community members
- former coworkers
- childhood friends who knew our parents
- former schoolmates
- friend intimacy
- to help us understand our own lives– a mirror
- to ask for advice
- drinking, sports, games, movies (things I don’t do)
- to have over to share a meal
- networking to increase business connections and wealth
- to babysit your kids
What do you think? Did I forget anything important?
messy
You know that saying: To get a friend, be a friend. But how many friends do I want?
I take friendship seriously and want to be real with people, but my social capacity is low. I keep a low stress life for my health and well-being. Yes, that’s how I stay off psych meds and keep doing my life’s work.
My friends tend to be disabled, trans, queer, neurodiverse, sometimes as crazy as me, or even crazier! These people deserve support, listening, and so much love. Love takes energy and time, so I can’t over-commit myself.
Furthermore, it can get messy when I’m not sure what a friend is, or when my needs conflict with the other person’s. When I’m close to someone, I want contact and consistency. But people’s appetite for consistency varies. I’m a daily kind of person, but many people are not, and that’s morally neutral.
valid
But I don’t want to go around with a broken heart, feeling rejected when I need more. I’m a brilliant, caring, traumatized, creative, disabled person, valid in every way. I’ve spent almost my whole life considering myself too fucked up for many possibilities, saying things like, “No, I can’t do that–I’m too fucked up.”
These days one of my mottos is: I can do it, just in my own way, like I do everything in my own way. It’s not going to look like the standard approach. But if you work with me for a strange, new method, it might be worthwhile. In fact, we might get something wonderful that never existed before.
Like this blog–why am I telling you all this, for almost 19 years or whatever nonsense? It was daily for a long time. It’s not monetized. It’s not to promote my new book, or asking people to join my cult, or listen to my podcast which is monetized. I’m really just talking to you, telling you the truth.
Why not? God put me on earth to tell the truth. She knew what she was doing. The least I can do is show up and try.
