I hate how white people love

I hate how white people love.  It’s so transactional and cautious.  White people love with an eye dropper.  There is your portion.  We would not want to spoil you with too much.  

I hate how white people love the way they spice foods.  A flavor is too big a commitment.  Spices are dangerous because surprise is unwanted.  The Mystery is something to pretend doesn’t exist.  The Mystery is called chaos and relegated to the realm of the devil.

I hate how white people love as if holding back would keep them safe.  I’m sorry, but we’re all going to die.  Nothing can keep you safe from death.  The distance is heartbreaking.

Pretending homeless people are not people is the clearest example of how white people love.  You are crazy and / or took drugs.  You smell bad and eat out of trash cans, so your life doesn’t matter.

The way white people love is based on bizarre ideas of worthiness.  How worth is measured is fucked up.  White values are fucked up.

religion

White people love like they do Christianity.  It’s within someone else’s framework.  They glance over their shoulder to see how they’re being perceived, and are they doing it right.  It’s a performance like everything they do.

Wouldn’t want to give too much or imply an obligation.  Wouldn’t want to create an uncomfortable situation by feeding the wrong person.  There is little to no authentic relationship with God.  The relationship is sanitized.

But God is never like that.  She is so much bigger than a church script.

God is in your ass.  She really wants you to dance.  But since when do you care what she wants for you?  You’re too busy making money, as if that would protect you from death.  Nothing will protect you from death, as we are reminded today on Halloween.

emotional skills

I’m sorry I complained about culture at large and how poor emotional skills are the norm.  Asking for help is suspect, and boundaries are a simplified instagram concept.  Rather than clear “yes” and clear “no” of skillful consent, white people are all no, keeping everyone at arm’s length.  Unless they can get something like sex or money or prestige.  Then they will act in a cartoon loving way for as long as they need to, to get the desired result.  Until it’s too complicated, or until something more is required of them.

I’m sorry I said it was culture that has this problem when it’s really white people.  I hate the way white people love because I suffer from it on a daily basis with cold, dysfunctional systems and being surrounded by so much loneliness and isolation.

Living in community, we are trying to do something different at the co-op that Ming and I call home.  Ming and I are deeply married, and love is the law, the only law that matters.  This morning Ming got up and held my hands, looked in my eyes, told me, “You could ask for more.”  I am feeling too much, lately, but Ming is kindly telling me I’m not too much.

myself

Of course I learned to love from my mom, and her mom.  They were Mexican-American people.  Being held, kissed, and wanted was something I could rely on.  We had our conflicts and difficult years for sure.  But she wanted me more than anything, from the time I was in her womb to the time she died.  I was always welcome in her home.  She was happiest when she knew where her family was because her family was with her.

Reader, thank you for hearing me cry this morning.  I hate how white people love because that’s inside of me.  My dad’s side of the family taught me tight lipped judgment, score keeping, grudges, coldness, attack, blame, and hate.  I’m guessing “not all white people,” but the mentality of non-consent domination and deserving everything good seems the norm among certain demographics.

Well, we all deserve everything good, every last one of us.  Just not at the expense of less powerful people.  I love you, and I wish you a merry Dia de los Muertos.