how to argue

Hello, reader.  Do you know how to argue?  My good friend broke up with their partner.  Listening to how it went toward the end, I wondered about the communication skills.

“Did you never learn how to argue?” I asked.

“We never argued,” my friend quietly said.

“Wow,” I said.  “I see how that would be a problem.”

Conflict is one of the basics of relationship.  We’ll not always need, want, believe, or value the same things.  Can we disagree fairly and hold the other person’s needs, while centering our own?

what is an argument

Ming says we never argue.  Ming thinks an argument is when two people hold different positions and are fighting to win.

That’s not what we argue like.  We love each other and are partnered long term, so we argue with collaboration.  We’re looking for answers that work for both of us together.  Feelings can intensely flare, but there’s almost never a “I’m right, you’re wrong” vibe.

Whatever we call it– intense, painful conversation? escalated mood negotiation?  I call it an argument–that’s ok.  We’ve learned how to argue fairly out of necessity–two sensitive, creative, curious, emotional people from different backgrounds, with different trauma, who might struggle to communicate.

Ming has a language-related learning disability, while I am very wordy as you might have noticed.  So we work to get on the same page, and we work to stay kind.

example argument

“You’ve done a thing that hurts me,” I will say.

“No, I didn’t do that thing,” Ming said.

“Yes, you did that thing,” I reply.  “I can’t believe you’re saying you didn’t do that thing.”

“Ok, well I didn’t mean to do that thing,” Ming says.  “I did it for this and that reason.”

“You have been doing this for many years, and I’m sick of it,” I say.  “I can’t believe you’re doing that thing still.  Maybe you don’t really care about me.”

“I’m sorry–I do care about you,” Ming says.

“I can’t live like this,” I say.

“It’s possible for me to do something different,” Ming says.

“I’m not sure you can actually do anything different,” I say.  “Are you willing to make a plan to do something different?”

“I don’t know how to do something different,” Ming says.

“Let’s make a list of different things to try,” I say.

We make the list.

“I’m sorry I hurt you.  I never want to hurt you, and I can do better,” Ming says.

“Ok, I believe we can do better,” I say.  “I’m sorry I got so upset.”

“It’s ok,” Ming says.

Holding hands, change of subject, aftercare.

how to argue

Yes, with a lot more specifics and detail, and usually strong emotions, that’s a common format for how to argue that Ming and I use.  I think we do a good job being clear and real.

A different ending: Sometimes I conclude that my expectations are off.  There’s some kind of emotional realization.  Sometimes I suddenly understand I was ascribing meaning where there was no meaning.

Many of our arguments are “holy shit, I can’t take this anymore” arguments instigated by me because I used to think I had no worth.  For many years I was on that sedating bipolar cocktail which squished down my emotions and needs.  As we’re deeper into middle age and I approach my crone years, I learn more and more what I need and how to speak up.

Things I’ve been putting up with for a decade are no longer ok.  Or they were never ok, but it’s only now that I realize I’m putting up with more than I should.

Sometimes we relapse into the argument if it wasn’t really resolved–if the pain is still there.

youth

As for my young friend, they are on the beginning of their journey of how to have happy relationships.  Everyone needs communication skills, but queer polyamorous people need even more communication skills.  It’s an honor to befriend someone who’s starting out.

Blessings to all of us learning how to relate, how much to sacrifice, where to draw the line, what to compromise, what to never compromise.

It’s not like we had examples of happy relationships in our families of origin.  We’re on new paths, making it up as we go along.  It’s a lot of work, but love is worth it.