if I wasn’t here

“What would you be doing, if I wasn’t here?” I asked Ming.

“I’d probably be sleeping,” Ming said.

“No, I don’t mean right this minute,” I said.  “I mean in general.”

I was driving us home–Ming got really sleepy as we were leaving Dorris Ranch.  At Dorris Ranch we sat in a hazelnut orchard eating food from Sequential and talking, then praying.

I’d felt upset and unsettled when we arrived at Dorris Ranch, suffering from self-loathing.  All of me was uncomfortable: mind, body, soul.  After talking then praying, I felt way better.

bay area

“Like if I wasn’t here, would you move back to the Bay Area to be closer to your relatives?” I continued.

“No,” Ming said.  “I can’t…”

“Right,” I agreed.  “The whole point is we couldn’t…”

Ming helped me turn left on a road that would lead us to our home.  I was happy he was staying awake, since I still don’t know my way around this valley.

“I’d probably be in a cockroach-infested falling apart house in Las Vegas,” Ming said.

“Wow,” I said.  “You would move back to Vegas?”

“No,” he said.  “If I didn’t have you.”

death

“No, I mean more like if I dropped dead tomorrow,” I said.

“I would be much sadder than I am now,” he said.

“But what would you do different?” I asked.

“I wouldn’t travel more,” he said.

“You wouldn’t travel more?” I asked.

“No,” he said.  “I wouldn’t have a way to stay awake.”

“Maybe you could find a new way,” I said.

river road

“Is this road going to spit us out on River Road up there, like ‘patooey’?” I asked.

“Yeah,” Ming said.  “And it’s going to make that sound.  Patooey.”

“Patooey!” I said.

I imagined Ming traveling without me.

“So you’re living the life you want?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he said.

I thought of Ming serving on boards, doing street aid, and all the ways he loves to help.

“What about me?” I asked.  “What would I do if I didn’t have you?”

questions for discussion

Are you living the life you want?

How old are you?

How old do you feel?

Do you have the amount of freedom you want?

Where do you see yourself in five years?

Dreaming of other lives–more like thought experiments than wishes, hopes, goals, or plans–do any of your dreams surprise you?

Who do you love most in the world?

What would you do if they up and died?

transfusions

A friend on facebook asked about blood transfusions.  I told her everything I remember about mine, then asked Ming what he remembers.

We talk sometimes about when I almost died from that stomach ulcer.  I was 42.  If I had died on the drive back to Las Vegas from the US-Mexico border, Ming would have had hell to pay.  Not to mention incredible pain of a bad mistake.

My mom never would have forgiven Ming for not taking me directly to the nearest hospital.  I specifically wanted to go home to Las Vegas so he wouldn’t be stuck in some random city at a hotel while I was in the hospital for who knows how long.

money

That’s a good example of how money messes up everything.  Money is so obviously a bad idea.  Poverty is a bad idea.

Well, I’m glad I lived and here we are.  If your poop is ever black, that might mean you have digested a great deal of your own blood and have internal bleeding.  If you barf what looks like coffee grounds, internal bleeding also.  Please ask for help and continue living if possible.

It’s been five years since I almost died, and I think I’ve done well with that time.  Thank you for witnessing me.  Thank you to the wonderful nurses, Ming, my mom, the friends who visited, and Jaguar who saved me when I visited the other side.  I love you very much.