fatness, power, and dating

Hello, reader.  How are you doing?  I’ve been thinking about fatness, power, and dating for decades.  Yes, since I was a kid– for about 40 years.

A close friend who’s younger than me is learning about it more newly.  That’s why I’m writing this post.

privilege in dating

• Do you have thin privilege?
• Pretty privilege?
• Are you abled?
• Are you neurotypical?
• How about– are you white?
• Do you have money?
• Do you come from money?
• Are you a legal citizen?
• Have a car?
• A job?
• How traumatized are you?
• How honest are you?

All those facts inform the ways you socialize, including dating.

Last year I wrote a helpful post about dating a fat person which is 101.  Well, maybe now I’m going 201, so watch out.

dating is not charity

The first thing I want to say is that dating is not charity.  We need to be kind, respectful, and fair.  But we also need to put our own needs first.  That’s the nature of dating.

There are many kinds of socializing, but this specific type of socializing is pointed.  The whole deal is specific to mate-finding, which is emotional and risky, since sex is usually involved.  Some main parameters of dating:

• know yourself
• know what you’re looking for
• have high standards
• watch out for red flags and bullshit
• have fun
• be real
• don’t waste energy on what’s not working.

If you’re dating someone who likes you a lot, and you don’t like them all that much, or don’t like them enough to do some work for the relationship, probably you should break up sooner than later.  That way, the other person doesn’t waste precious energy that could be better spent looking for a better match.

It’s hard to hurt someone.  But hurting someone short term is better than hurting them long-term.  It’s our responsibility to be honest.

values

Ideally our values and politics would be consistent across all areas of our lives.  But does it work that way?

I’m grateful some people do the work of learning about fat liberation and disability justice, and put those truths deep inside.  But understanding that fat people are worthy and as valid, doesn’t mean you will be as motivated to date fat people.

What we find attractive is somewhat within our control; we can intentionally view fat erotic art, for example, to try reprogramming our sex drives.  But what if you want someone who looks good on your arm, you’re driven by that need that you can’t shut off, and fat people just don’t look as good on your arm in your opinion?

Or what if you love power, and fat people are not going to help you climb the ladder in your social circle or the communities you move within?

erotic art star example

One time I fell in love with an erotic art star.  This was back in Las Vegas.  It was one of the most painful emotional experiences of my life.

The erotic art star and I had a mental connection and care, shared values, and some kind of chemistry.  We were friends and supported one another.  I was drawn to him in many ways.  But he was not interested in partnering with me.

I never knew why, but as the months passed, I realized he had been married to another erotic art star, and she looked like a model.  He was used to her high-end beauty on his arm and the power that accompanies that.  No matter how good our rapport and connection, I was not going to be chosen as a fat person.

trauma

I learned a lot but wasted energy on that erotic art star.  The heartache hurt me to the point of trauma.  I’m so glad he is cleared out of my life, and we’re not in touch anymore.

Was the erotic art star wrong or bad, in his behavior?  Was he dishonest?  Did he lead me on, using me for my resources including support and world class love?  Yes, I think he was shitty and a half.

However, Ming says maybe the erotic art star was more clueless than deceitful.  Ming said maybe the guy didn’t have the self-knowledge to know he was motivated by power.  Maybe he didn’t want to hurt me to my face by telling me he wasn’t interested, so he hurt me in a long term way that disrupted my well-being and life for almost a year.

Yes, it takes bravery to hurt someone to their face.  This man had the cajones to make explicit erotic art, but not to tell a difficult truth to a fat person who loved him.

My fatness means that to many people, partnership with me is an “of course not,” not even to consider.  For whatever reason, it’s laughable.  Culture says there’s something wrong with me, that I’m mostly worthless.

nonbinary

It takes a remarkable person to see past culture’s lies about who has worth and who can be sexually desirable.  Someone like Ming.  The erotic art star was not remarkable in that way.

Or else it takes a chubby chaser, who has the quirk of loving fat bodies in a fetishizing way.  I’ve never been courted by a chubby chaser, I think because I don’t do gender in a conventional way.  The chubby chasers I’ve known of are into women or men, and I’m neither.  I’m nonbinary.

Well, I got sexually harassed by a nasty white man one time in Portland while I was sunning.  He liked my body, driving by in his truck, and circled back to yell more unwanted desire at me.  It was scary and terrible.

I want to be loved for who I am, with sexual pursuit coming later.  I’m demisexual, so I think that’s how I’m wired.

progress

Considering the needs of others as well as yourself is an important part of being a good person.  We grow up and make progress.  We hopefully strengthen our love skills, depending on why we’re on earth, what we arrived here to do.

But love is mysterious, especially the sexy aspects of love.  Attraction and chemistry don’t necessarily make sense.  Ain’t that the truth.

I want to be the person my dog thinks I am.  But having standards is important, and our urges aren’t necessarily moral.  Urges are part of the equation for sure.

power

You know there’s power over other people.  There’s also power that’s just personal power glowing like a ball of light inside all of us.  It might be energy.  It can be performed through confidence, happiness, a louder voice, sometimes height, sometimes vocabulary, or how nice your shoes are.  Indication of class can amplify your personal power.

Or some people have an anger they can speak from, or a place of entitlement that they learned as a child or who knows where.

Fat people are told we’re trash: treated poorly in medical contexts, in work places, and in dating.  It’s bad.  We’re the butt of jokes, assumed to be stupid, assumed to be ignorant about health especially.  Laziness is another big assumption.  We’re assumed to be dirty and ridiculous, and I’m sorry culture did this.  Mass media contributes through movies, tv, advertising.

What does fatness do to our personal power?   Some fat people learn to be funny, which is a way to get power back– a fat comedian cliche.  As for me, I thought I had no worth and was a doormat for most of my life.  It’s only recently that I’ve grown any confidence.  People started mentioning me as confident and I was like– wow.  Why are people seeing that in me now?

I worked hard to love myself, and I’m no longer as scared of people.  I’m more likely to laugh at a mean idea than cower and cry.  As I develop more faith, I’m more sure of why I’m on earth, my purpose this lifetime, in this sacred fat body.

self-worth

Low self-worth is a sad part of being fat that many share.  It can become a self-fulfilling prophecy when it makes us less attractive to others.

Long ago I loved someone who said he was open to sex with fat people, as long as we didn’t have any body shame.  It was an intimidating idea.  How could I have survived into adulthood with no body shame?  He was expecting enlightenment.

I imagined trying to get psyched out to have sex with this person, showing no hint of body shame.  Sounded harder than getting ready for battle.  I’m not sure, but I’m guessing this man didn’t want to do any emotional labor of comforting or assuring the fat woman– he just wanted to enjoy the body in front of him.

But we are complete beings, and the ways we’ve been hurt are part of us.  Maybe he was just making a loophole, so he could feel ok about himself for not wanting sex with fat people.  Was this fucked up, or was it just him being clear and real, take it or leave it?

I’m still not sure.  I never had sex with him, and I’m glad.

love one another

Dating isn’t charity, but is dating mutual aid?  In all areas of life, we should be helping the world.  We have a responsibility to respect and love one another.  I feel that responsibility all day.

But dating is a step beyond.  We don’t have a responsibility to date in an egalitarian way.  What about race?  We have a responsibility to be anti-racist.  But we don’t have a responsibility to date all races of people.

What about gender?  Seems silly to think we have a responsibility to make ourselves pansexual if we’re not.  It’s ok to have preferences.

What about class?  I’m trying to remember if I’ve dated anyone who was houseless.  Ming and I were both houseless for a while, more than dating– we are a family.  He’s a lil bit fat these days, so we are both fat, though I’m way fatter.

I’ve been kept at arm’s length by many, many people who valued me but didn’t center me.  My love is often accepted, while my sexuality is unwanted.  In almost all of film, the main character is thin and pretty.  The fat friend is kind and sacrificing, in a support role.  The movie is not about the fat friend.

mixed

Reading this, I’m sure you notice that I have mixed feelings.  I want to create a just world.  My life is halfway over if I’m lucky, and sometimes I feel hopeless that I’ve done nothing.

When I love someone, their fatness is not much of a factor.  Sometimes if we’re both fat, that can increase our access intimacy.  But I feel my fatness as a main factor in every relationship I have.

My dad worried about my health due to my fatness.  Ming treasures me exactly as I am, fatness and all!  My closest friends get me.

My mom evaluated my body every time I visited her as an adult, and I felt her judgment whether or not she said anything.   She did that out of love– she wanted me to be happy, and she saw fitting in as a way to be happy.  But her judgement harmed me.

My ex-girlfriend was changing and learning, a work in progress, but mostly cared about how she looked.  She recognized my immense worth, but she still prized her image.  My fatness was not sparkling.  My disability and fatness were ok over there, but for her to center me was too much to ask.  She was concerned about what my fatness and disability said about her: that she was lesser than.

And she didn’t think she could afford that.  As a white woman from money turned radical, trying to create a more just world, she was drowning among confident white guys.  She needed every speck of power she had.

Well, she never said that exactly.  But there’s a reason I’m still hurting and it’s been a while.  Sometimes you can tell.

My ex could have made a leap of faith.  I think I was in love with her.  She held me at arm’s length until I couldn’t occupy the fat friend role anymore and cut myself free.

questions for discussion

What’s your role in society?

Do you like your role?  Would you change it if you could?

What’s your pattern in relationships?

What do you do with your power?

How about your privilege?

Who would you be if you weighed 100 pounds more than you do now?

Who is most attractive to you?

What rules your sex drive?

Can you trace how your preferences formed?

How do you decide who’s worth dating?

Is it ok to break up over txt?

How much do you think about fatness?  All day, often, episodically, never?

Are you respectful to your fat friends?

Would you marry a fat person?

How secure are you in your own worth?

Do you love yourself?