Hello, reader. How are you doing? When I was getting close to a then-girlfriend a couple years ago, she brought up the idea of relationship smorgasbord. We could conceive of our relationship as many delicious dishes laid out before us, and we get to choose what we want.
Correct! We don’t need to have close relationships how culture tells us to. We can customize everything.
My then-girlfriend sent me a relationship smorgasbord worksheet someone else had made. I think she had heard about it in the context of relationship anarchy. There were blank spots where we could write in things we wanted or didn’t want as part of our relationship. The different aspects of relationship were grouped together by topic or theme.
The idea is to pick and choose which aspects we want, and which aspects we say no to. We can do consent more skillfully that way, not assuming, pressuring, or manipulating anyone into something they don’t want. It’s good communication and respectful.
upset with Ming
I was thinking about relationship smorgasbord because when I got home from the intense road trip I took with my good friend, I was upset with Ming. He had done a poor job taking care of himself in a couple ways. I was upset because I felt overburdened by needing to carry so much of his health. It felt unfair.
Ming did good for the first five days or so of being home alone while I was gone. Then his sleeping, eating, drinking enough water, and aspects of med use broke down. By the time I got home, Ming was sleeping no more than an hour straight and not in a good mentality.
I was angry and expressed painful dissatisfaction with our relationship. You know me– usually I am very keen on Ming and grateful to him. So in love! So why did I go off the rails for a minute?
I erred by over-focusing on the two aspects of our relationship that were not working well for me, and forgot that a relationship is 40 things. For a day or two, I was wrong about what matters the most.
Yes, the fact that a relationship is 40 things is what got me thinking about relationship smorgasbord. Rather than finding the worksheet made by someone else, I decided to list with Ming all the aspects of relationship.
at choice
We are at choice about how we want our relationships to go. Also we’re at choice about the language that we use to talk about our close relationships. Frequency of contact, how much we touch each other in private and in public, whether we have sex and what kinds of sex, and many, many aspects are all up to us to choose.
We can go with the defaults that culture handed us, or we can do our own things. A possible danger is if we’re not on the same page. If one person thinks we’re casual, but the other person thinks we’re serious, we can confuse and hurt one another. That’s just one possible way of countless ways to misunderstand.
Honesty and clarity are important, which is why a relationship smorgasbord conversation is helpful. We still might have trouble with follow through, or not really knowing what we want. But sharing some basic intentions is a starting place.
the list
Let me show you the list of relationship smorgasbord items that Ming and I came up with.
- care for each other
- health interdependence
- understand each other deeply
- converse often
- be seen together
- be known / loved as a unit
- complement each other
- help each other grow
- make sense of the world together
- form a family (with or without children)
- trust
- encourage each other toward goals
- sense of being a unit separate from the rest of the world
shared
List continued, these are all things that people in a relationship might share.
- money
- sex
- kink
- personal history
- traditions
- holidays and celebrations
- spirituality, religion
- true love
- friends and family
- enemies
- projects
- resources besides money
- a home
- an empire
- a legacy
- a vehicle
- bed
- germs
- dreams for the future
- language / slang
- favorite media
- jokes
- emotional states
- values
- culture including foods
- mythology
- habits and routines
- trauma
- plans for death
- destiny — God’s plan
- kids
- plants
- pets
- safety
- sense of reality
- a formal commitment like a wedding
which
We can choose which of these aspects of relationship we want to do with any given person, and check in with them to find overlaps. Then we can plan out how to relate in a fair, hopefully balanced way.
Looking at the list we made, Ming and I do most of those things. We don’t have kids or pets together, and not sure we share an empire. Though I wish we didn’t, we share a few traumas.
The ex-girlfriend and I had good intentions and loved each other a lot. But our relationship had some big empty spots and discrepancies of desire, which was hard. And some skills were lacking. So we didn’t realize a lot of what we wanted together originally. I’m sorry I lost her.
I’m happy that Ming and I are realizing just about everything we want to in our partnership. Now we have a plan for if we take a trip separately again, how we can do better.
questions for discussion
What parts of a close relationship are important to you? Vital? Optional? Unwanted?
Does it vary by person, or are your desires consistent with all different people?
Does the idea of relationship smorgasbord make sense to you?
Do you ever get angry about a piece of a situation, and miss the big picture for a while?
Does anyone help you hold onto your health?
Did Ming and I miss anything glaring, when we made our list?
Do you commit to doing relationship with consent and honesty?
