Hello, reader. How are you doing? Do you know what to do with jealousy? I wrote about how to honor it, in April of this year, including a simple ritual.
This morning Ming and I were talking about what to do with jealousy. He’s been close to me for more than 12 years, so he knows how my jealousy tends to manifest: it manifests as intense fear. I make someone into a God in my head, then in comparison, I feel like a little tiny microscopic freak. It’s easy for me to catastrophize, that the person I’m jealous about is great, and I’m worthless.
Did you ever have this problem, reader? I’m talking about what to do with jealousy in relationships. There’s someone I’m close to lately who has multiple partners, and things change often. I sometimes wonder my place in their life, and I feel my place shift from time to time.
They are young, wild, and so free. Last thing I want is to impinge on their freedom by acting overly jealous. We need to figure out what to do with jealousy so nobody gets too hurt.
Ming’s idea
“See the person you’re jealous about as flawed, and see the person you’re caring about as flawed,” Ming said. “We’re all flawed. No one is better than you.”
I liked his ideas and asked him to repeat. Then I wrote down what he said in my journal.
“I could just try to destroy the hierarchy,” I said.
“Yeah, you could do that,” Ming said.
“Sounds hard,” I said. “I want to be most prized. I want to feel safe by being the best.”
Yes, those are old feelings from my childhood. I feel insignificant and tiny like a bug because hierarchies are too real in my imagination. But in the shared world, is anyone better than anyone?
safe
Do you have a strong need to feel safe in relationship? What helps you feel safe? That’s kind of my whole point in being with people. I want intimacy, pleasure, learning. But if I don’t feel safe, it’s all a lie. It’s not sustainable.
Maybe I should explain that to people better when we start getting close. Would they listen to me?
It’s weird to go meta in a friendship. Not everyone is up for that.
- What do you need people for?
- What are you showing up for?
- Who do you trust?
- What makes it worth it for you?
People are intense! My need to feel safe leads me into some strange places. I’m happy to learn and try things. But suffering in the meanwhile is plentiful.
diversify
When I think of what to do with jealousy, I think of speaking honestly about it and healing afterward. But there’s also prevention, if I’d like to work on it from the other direction.
I want to diversify so I don’t need any one person too much. It’s important to me, not to single source on Ming or anyone. Yes, I need a caring crowd of people who got my back. And I definitely do, but most of the people I love deeply and reciprocally are far away.
I’m working on getting more close peeps here in the Pacific Northwest, taking applications.
what to do with jealousy
- cry it out
- dance it out
- make jealous art
- write about it
- get more information
- breathe through it
- yell at God
- curse yourself
- curse others
- renounce love
- give up
- pick up your pack and keep walking
