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Dangerous Compassions

what God said

Ming

Hello, reader.  How are you doing?  I want to tell you what God said to me a few days ago.

I was crying in bed, beyond heartbroken.  Lying on my tummy, kinda squirmy, I cried and cried, begging God for freedom.

What kind of freedom was I asking for?  I was asking for freedom from the emotional pain of having my wellbeing tied in with the choices and behaviors of other people.  Something like freedom from the emotional suffering that comes with love.

My life is not quite my own, when I’m tied to others.  I begged for freedom from needing other people.

sub drop

The truth is, I was sub dropped.  My reward pathways were experiencing excruciating withdrawal.

The day before, I had an unprecedented amount of physical contact with a dear friend.  The physical contact was friendly-neutral, as opposed to sexual or romantic– we had gone to the farmers market together, and I asked if we could link arms for comfort.

Huge crowds overwhelm me.  I knew that touch would help.  My friend was happy to link arms with me.

Turned out we had a lot of shopping to do.  My friend had a list, and they were looking for a birthday present for their housemate.  So we went through the whole craft area, in addition to the food area.

It was more than an hour of our arms being linked, off and on.  I was so happy, feeling treasured and safe in a crowd.  I felt special, wanted, satisfied, and protected by my friend.  Those are my favorite relationship feelings.

But I didn’t know the bonding hormones that made me blissed out on Saturday would be depleted on Sunday, leaving me crashed and hopeless.

what God said

Yes, imagine me crying in bed, begging God for freedom.  Then I got a message.  Either God, the universe, an ancestor like my mom, or myself said a clear idea.  It was something like:

You love people so much, you can’t have freedom.  Of course you are not free.  You can’t have that intensity of love, at the same time as freedom.  You can’t have both at the same time.

It seemed obvious, when God said it.  I was grateful for the truth.

The implication I gathered was: Accept your fate.  This lifetime, you’re a lover– you’re not a detached, cold person.  You can’t be emotionally free: your heart is wide open.  You have deep connections, so do your best with deep connections.

Yes, I love myself as I am.  Closing my heart is not an option.  There is nothing wrong with me.  I need to accept the struggle that comes with the bliss.

questions for discussion

Is sub drop part of your life?  How do you survive it?

How does God speak to you?  What does she say?

Do you long for freedom?  If so, what kind?

How open is your heart?  Would you prefer more open or more closed?

Do you love yourself as you are?

By Laura-Marie

Good at listening to the noise until it makes sense.

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