not connected skills

Hello, reader.  How are you doing?  Ming and I were talking about how many skills that people assume are connected are actually not connected skills.  The assumption that the skills are “two sides of the same coin” can cause a lot of hardship and misunderstanding.

An example is ethical non-monogamy.  Just because I’m good at feeling huge emotions toward a variety of people and having multiple close relationships, doesn’t mean I’m good at giving other people the freedom to do the same.  Being a slut is one thing.  Collaborating with Ming as he has multiple close relationships is a whole other skillset.

Yes, it would be wonderful if needing freedom and giving freedom were similar things.  But in my life at least, they are not connected skills.

good at telling the truth

It came up around art and writing.  Just because I’m good at telling the truth, doesn’t mean I’m up for receiving the graphic truths of other people.  It happened at my art show–people would see the content and think, “Oh, we’re telling intense emotional truths now!”  So they’d start explaining their trauma to me in detail, and I’m like a deer in the headlights.

Whoa, I am good at telling the truth.  That doesn’t mean I signed up to hold your pain with you.  I was not properly grounded for that.  There’s a reason I don’t watch movies, tv, or news or hear the radio.  In some ways, I’m fragile inside.  But strangers don’t know that.  They get the opposite impression from the art I make.

Consent around sharing trauma is not something most people have experience with.  People infer consent when it’s not there.  For better or worse, I’m not tough inside.  I’m strong for my own pain, but probably I’m a wimp about yours.

Yes, it was like that when I was in the hospital.  Fear, frustration, and struggle of my own were hard to endure.  But the real hell was hearing the suffering of my hospital roommates.  I feel other peoples’ pain worse than my own.

spiky skills

There’s an autism idea of spiky skills profile.  We can be really good at a thing or two, so the people who see us in those contexts get expectations of us that we’re regular, competent people.  I can seem competent at times, but I am disabled and have gaps in my capacity.

Whoa nelly.  Some of those gaps are deep and vast like the grand canyon.  Sorry about that.

Sorry I am still disabled even though I have language genius, emotional skills, profound self-awareness, and knowledge / experience with zines.  That might confuse you into thinking I could work like a worker bee, raise children, or do other consistent work.  Nope, am still disabled.  My skills don’t add up.

weaknesses

Also I notice that many people don’t accept talking about weaknesses.  Naming weaknesses is seen as negative or unsightly.

An example is when I tell people Ming has language learning disability, and they act weird and say, “I’ve never noticed he has problems with language.  He has no problem–he’s fine.”

Not sure why people will argue with me or Ming about his learning disability, like anything they didn’t notice does not exist.  Of course Ming is working hard to be legible and relate to you.  When he goes out into the world and encounters you, his best foot is forward.

If you don’t see his disabilities, that’s because he’s working hard so you won’t see them.  Please don’t think someone’s trait they tell you about does not exist.

honesty

Disabilities exist, and weaknesses exist.  We don’t need to deny them– we can be real about who we are and account for that.  We don’t need to pretend we’re all the same in what we can do.

Let’s make a culture where disability is valid.  Let’s create room for more honesty and build skills around asking for help and respectfully giving help.

questions for discussion

Do you have any examples in your life, of any not connected skills that others assume are connected for you?

What are your weaknesses?  Can you be real about them?

Is there anything you tell people that you get consistently pooh-poohed about?

Do you pretend to have abilities and skills that you don’t really have, at work or at home?

Do you have trouble witnessing other people’s pain?

How do you like to change culture?