we did it

“Dear!  I think we did it!” I said to Ming.  “We found a way for you to live in community, while I don’t live in community.”

It was early morning, and Ming was about to go help someone cook food for homeless people to eat for breakfast.

“Yeah!” Ming said.

He took in my ideas as he gathered his materials for his outing.

True I’ll need to do a certain amount of hours per month, for the benefit of the whole.  And some meetings might be mandatory.  But so far, we’re living the dream.

we did it

We’ve lived at our new home at a big, new housing co-op for a month and a half now.  Ming has been to all the overall community meetings but one, since we got here.  I have been to zero.  Yes, I’ve been dodging them.

I’m still burnt out from our last community, where Sunday evening meetings would stress me so badly, it would take me 24 hours to recover.  That’s from a relatively easy low-drama meeting.  I’m not even talking about when hard stuff was on the agenda.

Just being with people in a room, feelings my feelings or trying not to, making decisions together with our big differences and differing power–it made me more crazy than I usually am.  I tried a lot of tricks for handling it better, like holding rocks and zooming in from the backyard.  Nothing solved the problem.

Then Ming and I cooked for the house on Mondays, so the Sunday to Monday span was hard.  I would rest on Tuesday and catch my breath, avoiding everyone.  It was a wave to ride, and it was difficult.

heart comfort

Not quite unrelated–anxiety is a problem for me, for decades.  But I have a few different kinds.  Anxiety about my heart and stored in my heart is a specific bad anxiety.

When I’ve asked people to help me clear my heart chakra, that’s what I’m talking about.  Sorrow, shame and guilt, loneliness, pain of rejection, and grief can all be stored in my heart.  It’s normal that my energy when left unexpressed will turn into anxiety.

I made this art to address that type of anxiety and give myself some clues of how to handle it.

marker and watercolor on reclaimed product packaging cardstock
February 26 2024

Kalapuya land
Laura-Marie Strawberry Nopales

Stuff is on there that’s more for my physical heart–like fish oil and garlic–and also stuff that’s more for my emotional heart, like gratitude and saying no.  Then things like singing are good for both–it clears me out emotionally, but it also soothes my heart with physical vibrations.

Well, it’s all my whole self, so it’s all connected.  I’m happy to share this list art, if it helps anyone else on their own journey, or in developing compassion for the anxious.  Feelings matter.

comfort

What comforts your heart?  Do you trust your own body?

How much social time do you need?  How much downtime?

I was default constantly overmuched socially, at our former home.  Being alone feels different now.  Sometimes I get powerfully lonely.  It scares me because I remember when I was young and struggled with agoraphobia.  It’s good to remember I’m safe, and I can go outside by myself if I need to.