Hello, reader. How you doing? A friend used the word infatuation to describe a feeling I had, or an experience–when a crush develops, and sexual desire charges a friendship. I don’t like the word infatuation because it feels demeaning. I’ve been thinking about how we talk about love and desire.
what is love
Love is when I’m ready to care for someone significantly. I welcome someone to my soul. I soften and let down my guard. Then they can know me, or at least there’s a chance.
If they love me too, we can collaborate on some new thing that never existed before. It’s amazing.
Love sets a stage. Love says, ok. A deep thrumming ok, an excited ok, a chill curious ok.
Or I could love someone briefly, like a kind gas station attendant, a neighbor cat, or a tree somewhere I visit only once. Love doesn’t have to be a long term, reciprocal thing. But I like best when it can be.
I like best with Ming. He accepts me 100% and is there for me, just about always. It’s a special way of being, in this family with him.
Then sometimes I can make a mistake and think people are my family when they’re not. I like to relate as family. But later I might find out I was wrong, and they have a totally different idea of who I am or how to do relationship. My offers were experienced as pressure, meddling, too much.
Oops–some people can hurt themselves on anything. If you take my love and break it in order to cut yourself on it, in a way, that’s your choice. I can see you do that and try to pull away.
But once I offer, give, express, it’s up to you what to do with my gift. Like any gift, it’s no longer mine once I give it.
I’m sorry when I make mistakes, and I want to minimize harm. But in a way, making mistakes if part of what I’m on earth to do. If I’m not messing up, I’m not trying much. I want to live in a learning zone, where I’m extending outside my comfort zone enough to make an amount of mistakes that I can manage.
I can cut stress in other areas of my life, to make space for the stress of my mistakes. It’s intentional. Love is a skill we can strengthen, and we can budget our energy and time for love. Why not?
What is infatuation? Sounds insulting to something sacred. If a sparkle of sexual desire shows up, that could be ancillary and passing.
But who knows–it might be the spark that ignites a new life, family, or community. Sexual desire, hormonal surges, and animal longings are not untrustworthy or lesser than. They’re part of what I was born for. I don’t need to demonize them. They’re not unexpected. Love arrives in so many forms.
Obsession can be bad–when desire gets overwhelming and all-consuming, then yes, that can be too powerful. Best step back, diversify, regulate, rest. But some obsessive moments can be ok.
I mean that I was not born to be neutral. I was born to feel and want. This is my deal–every mistake could become a miracle. Likewise, a miracle can become a mistake. But it’s my goal to show up and see what happens.
how we talk about love
Love is not usually a movie-like process. In my life, love is not a result of intentional dating with a goal of wedding, children, a big house, and creating an empire, to barricade ourselves against the world.
Love is a gentle nudge toward the light. Love comes with a smile, a delicious food shared, usually some time, and respecting the Mystery. Who knows what I will feel–maybe I’ll feel a thing I never ever heard of. Maybe an alliance will form that helps us do great things, now or later.
I learn a lot, from relationship. Love helps me keep showing up.
As for desire, sex is one of the strongest motivators I’ve ever seen. It can be like glue, for better or worse. When I share my sexuality with someone, that’s powerful medicine. I need to only do that with people who are very safe for me, and who I trust.
Others have way different needs around sex and can be more adventuresome. I admire those people and wish them safety and fun. But I can’t do it with them, when our goals are way different.
This is me with my good friend.
I’m glad he lets me be who I am and keeps journeying on the path of life with me, over the years. I’m fat, crazy, disabled, warm. I can say a scathing critical thing all of a sudden, I might start crying at my moment, I cook tasty foods, and I hug you for real.
If you’re up for that, let’s do it. If you’re not, please slip by and choose what you need to choose.
I feel the need to return to my roots. My roots = few friends who understand me. They know how to love me.
How we talk about love is important. I will talk to you in bed, in a kitchen, outside by a fire, in a letter, though this blog.