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Dangerous Compassions

the difference between support and enabling

fat woman with oak leaves stands in a forest park

“What’s the difference between support and enabling?” Ming asked me.

“It’s support when your therapist likes it, and it’s enabling when your therapist doesn’t like it,” I said.

Ming laughed–he liked that distinction.

“It’s support when you’re helping people do ‘good’ things, like exercise and go to the doctor and talk about their feelings.  It’s enabling when you’re helping them use drugs more and return to their abuser,” I said.

So many people I’ve loved have used drugs and returned to their abusers.

What do you think is the difference between support and enabling, reader?  I think support is when it feels good, and enabling is when it feels like it’s killing you, draining your lifeblood bit by bit.

Or enabling is when you’re being pushed closer and closer to a cliff.  Or when you get a puke feeling like you’re in a movie and you never wanted to watch this movie, let alone live in it.

drugs

Reminds me of when our friend was telling us about a community that was starting up, and our friend was interested.  She heard about it at a recent permaculture conference.  She, Ming, and I share a quest for meaning, community, inter-dependence, low cost housing.

But she loves weed, and the community is drug-free.  When she heard drug-free, she was like–“Uh….”

“You shoulda asked if it’s not ok to cuddle so your body produces its own drugs like oxytocin,” I said.  “Or if it’s not ok to eat food.”

Foods change our moods, affect our health, affect our energy levels.  What’s a drug?

Our friend said something about coffee and tea.  Yes–what about chamomile?  Is yerba mate ok?  A tincture made with vodka?  I think bread has a little alcohol in it.

I feel cranky about the absolutism, but you know I don’t like much drugs.  A no alcohol policy could save so much trouble, in so many places I’ve lived.

the difference between support and enabling

This conversation about what a drug is–there was something about my crankiness, my crankiness about the definitions of words.  I’m angry because I want words to mean things, and words matter to me.  But words are so slippery and fallible.

So on one hand, I’m trying to do language skillfully, to make sense, to get close to the truth through words.  But I know the project is sort of doomed.

The truth often wants to be stark naked, running uninhibited through the field of flowers and butterflies and sunshine.  Truth clothed in words often stops being the truth and starts being confusing and misinterpreted, distorted, and used to harm.  People make loopholes and hurt people with words.

Yes, like math–math can be a way of having power over others.  But math I’m no good at, so I’m not even in the running to have power through math.  I’m good at words, and I want to use that gift to bring love to the world and justice.

power

I’m writing at the library today.  A homeless man is sitting in a chair, in his sweatpants and grubby windbreaker, dozing.

“Are you ok, sir?” the security person asked.

“Yes, just waiting for the bathroom,” the homeless man said.

“I have to ask, when I don’t see your eyes,” the security guard said.  “It’s a wellness check.”

“Thank you,” the homeless man said.

We know it’s not a wellness check–it’s a sleeping check.  No sleeping allowed at the library.  Ming wrestles with this rule often.  No narcoleptics at the library, or only come with your spouse who will keep you awake.

The security guard doesn’t care about the homeless man’s wellness.  He wants to kick out a sleeper, flex his power, keep order as he’s hired to.  That’s his job.

The difference between support and enabling is that the security guard is enabling capitalism, while the chair is supporting the homeless person’s tired body.  There are only so many places to be safe and dry in the rain.

By Laura-Marie

Good at listening to the noise until it makes sense.

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