poor choices

Hello, reader.  How are you doing?  Happy October.  How much do you enjoy your life?  Years ago, I used to think my life was crap, and I was crap.  I had an attitude like “I have nothing to lose.”  So I would make poor choices, including staying in relationship with abusive people.  But now I value my life and say no.

Loneliness is pain–I used to live there.  Yikes!  Back when I had few friends and mostly socialized by writing letters with penpals.  At the time, I needed that small world.  I was healing from serious abuse.  But it hurt me to feel so alone.

I’m sorry I suffered and made poor choices.  If you’ve known me for only a short time, it might be hard for you to imagine me hating myself.  I’ve come a long way, baby.

stay away

Today I wanted to make a poor choice again, contacting someone who I loved, who hurt me in ways that were beyond mistake.  I tried many times to have a happy relationship with them, and it was futile.  It was three of swords kind of emotion disaster, repeatedly.

So I need to stay away.  But there was a reason–I wanted to ask them a question related to berries.  I thought of them and felt longing.  It was almost physically painful, not to txt them.

“Can I have a treat?” I asked Ming.  “Because I worked really hard not to make a poor choice, earlier today.”

presents

He said yes, he would help me have a treat.  But kind of like celebrating–how do we celebrate?  How do we have treats?  What’s regular good life, vs something extra?

Kind of like trying to buy a present for my parents, back when they were living people.  Anything they needed that could be bought at a store, they would buy for themselves right away, when my dad had a good job, and they had money.

A treat is like a present.  What would I give myself, if I could give myself any present?

An old friend sent me money for my birthday.  So I even have a way to fund some treats.

yoga

“What would my mom want me to do with this money?” I asked Ming.

This question made sense to me because my mom was the cause of my birthday and my original birthday celebrator.

We decided something that brought me joy, pleasure, and health.  Ming suggested yoga.

“How much does a yoga class cost?” Ming asked.

“I pay ten dollars usually,” I replied.

Feels good, I can get substantial yoga with this gift from my friend.  Yoga is great for anxiety, great for my self-love, relaxing to my body, and sweet socially also, to spend virtual time with others who find my body valid.

I need fat-supportive environments where my body isn’t seen as a problem or emergency.  Also it’s not mistakenly seen as the sum of many poor choices.

My body is ok–my body is just me.  Big but no biggie.

thank you

Thank you to everyone who supports me in being who I am, and becoming who I need to be.  I love you.