genderfucking

Hello, reader.  How are you?  What do you think is beautiful?  Is fitting into a gender box important to your life and success?  I like genderfucking.  That’s when you play with gender intentionally and subversively.  We can do better than restrictive roles.

A motivation for genderfucking is cultural change.  I like modeling that another way is possible.  We can complexify how we do gender for the benefit of all.  Queer people, trans people, and even cis people.  I’d like more gender freedom, please.

journey

Some weeks ago I went on a journey with Ming.  We were in California longer than we planned.  I decided a few things while I was away–that happens to me often.  A different environment and different demands give me perspective, and I realize what I should change about my life.  Does that happen to you on trips too?

One decision was costume change.  Improving my resting bitch face is a longterm goal.  I don’t owe anyone bland pleasantness, or rushing to help.  True–I believe in love, mutual aid, and showing up for people.  But I can do that without sacrificing myself.  I need to help in ways that aren’t damaging to me.

I was taught as a child seen as a girl–at church and school, by media, and in my family–that my worth was dependent on being pretty, helpful, and easy.  Some parts of nurturing and care work I actually like.  So it’s work to separate out what I want to do, from what I think I have to do in order to be worthy.

Becoming an adult is an ongoing process.  I intentionally resist expectations put on me by culture, especially gender ones.  In an effort toward costume change, I started wearing the coyote tooth, which feels healing.

Also I’m pretty sure my mom would hate that.  Or she would have resisted it, when she was alive.  She’s not fearful anymore, on the other side.  Doing what my mom would have hated as a living person feels important.  The snake tattoo I got on my chest feels similar.

No, I don’t have it as a goal to be “ladylike” or pretty for you.  I’m on earth for other things.  I want to help and improve what I can.  But I won’t help make a better world by continuing gender business as usual.

mustache

Then I decided to try growing out my mustache.  I’ve decided before, then accidentally changed my mind.  My mustache had a slow start, rather subtle.  But my hair is dark, and it’s looking great now.

Not sure how long I will wear this mustache.  I don’t notice people treating me differently yet.  I was already treated in certain ways for being fat, quiet, etc.  Already I was breaking culture’s rules by being large fat to superfat.

Large breasts and hips and butt, plus normal woman height and long hair, add up–no one’s confused yet.  I’m read as a woman who’s growing facial hair.  Tropes for facial hair already exist in the minds of many.

• middle aged lunch lady who’s given up on being beautiful
• person of color who has better things to do than lighten or remove some hair
• hot dyke who’s happy to bend gender and get laid

Why do I want to wear a mustache?  I explained to my friend that genderfucking is more who I am than going as a cis lady.  I feel way more comfortable wearing earrings if I also wear a mustache.  Earrings feel femme, but a mustache is masculine.  If I complicate my gender performance with a mustache, then earrings feel ok.

how I’m received

My art ancestor Frida Kahlo had a mustache and thick eyebrows.  We know she was brilliant and good, but also sexy.  Her sexiness wasn’t despite the facial hair–her gender performance was a “fuck you” that helped form her sexiness.  At least for me.  She models that beauty norms are ridiculous and optional.

The message I’ve always read in Frida Kahlo‘s mustache and thick eyebrows is: No, I’m not going to be easy for you.  I won’t be what you expect, for the sake of legibility.  Life is way more complicated than that.  I’m animal, like the monkeys I paint and any wild, powerful creature.  If you can’t handle my mustache, you can’t handle any of me.

I’ve always liked girls who look like boys, and boys who look like girls.  If I can’t tell what gender someone’s going for, that’s my favorite.  Well, Ming is my favorite.  He gets read as a man consistently these days.  But I know the truth.

I’m sorry culture is so behind, and genderfucking can make it hard for people who need to use public restrooms and who get harassed by violent people who fear difference and fear their own genders and sexualities.

I don’t want to get power by becoming a man.  There are enough men already.  I prefer to get power by becoming myself.  Who is myself is a mystery and a work in progress.

beautiful

Most of my life, I felt disqualified from being beautiful as a fat person.  Then I learned I’m unconditionally valid, and I can do beautiful in my own way.  But also I don’t owe beauty to anyone.

But habits can be powerful.  When I take a selfie these days, it’s hard to get a picture I like.  Takes a minute to undo what I look like to myself, and what I want to look like.

The mustache is an experiment–it could be gone tomorrow.  I hope genderfucking is here to stay.