coming out once

“Wow!”  I said to Ming.  “Can you imagine coming out once?”

Hey, reader.  How are you?  Have you come out, and if so, how many times?  I can’t even count mine on my hands.

I was reading little bios of the board of a local org, and I read about the years that two board members came out.  It was stated so succinctly, and I marveled.

“I guess I’m jealous,” I continued to Ming.  “I can’t even imagine coming out once.  It would be like–‘Hi, world.  I’m gay.’  And then you would stay gay, for the rest of your life.  How does that work?  Wow, I just can’t relate to that.”

being one thing

I have never been one thing.  Like when I had that AI therapist a couple years ago.  The robot would ask me how I felt, and there were rectangles I could click, with one word each.  I would click on a word and it would move on to the next question.  I was like–wait!  That was only one way I feel!  I feel at least seven things at once!

First I had to come out bi.  Of course I would come out to some people and not others.  In different contexts, I would be read as straight, as lesbian, as confused…  Bi was something I needed to assert, but I didn’t always have a lot of motivation.

I love the truth, and bi is my truth.  But being multi-marginalized means I could never be recognized in all my reality.  Most people would see me as a quiet fat woman and stop considering me valid, or at least stop considering me interesting.  Being crazy, having autism, my physical disability, and other parts of who I am and their related needs were not relevant.

Being autistic only matters to most allistic people in so far as they need to do something to accommodate me.  If I’m being quiet and easy, my needs don’t matter to them and can be ignored.  It’s only when I start misbehaving or asking for something that they need to care about anyone other than themselves.

By all this I mean to say that asserting my bi-ness wasn’t the most important thing when I was struggling to survive.

more questions

Then I had to think if I was pan.  I prefer “bi / pan / fluid”–all three at once.  Yes, I love fluid.

I like being queer.  But some people still hate that word and are offended by it, like some elders I have known.  “We’re not queer–we’re normal.  Homosexuality is normal, and I fought for that,” elders have asserted.  But I would prefer never to be normal and never to assimilate.

At times I wondered if I was a lesbian.  I went back and forth wondering that before I knew Ming.  But I’ve never come out as lesbian.

gender

More recently I was like–am I really a lady?  Of course gender is a scam.  But I’m so good at being a lady, I could get an award.

• Nurturing?  Check.
• Large breasts?  Got two of them.
• Quiet voice?  Usually.
• Do I like pink? Actually I love pink, like rose quartz, pink pillow world, strawberry ice cream, porch roses, the inside of a shell, the sacred color of some nipples, tongues, and genitals I have known.
• Do I wear skirts and dresses?  Yes, often.
• Do I like cooking delicious veg foods and feeding people?  Yes–love it.

True I don’t have kids or grandkids, don’t wear makeup, and never go full femme with high heels.  I don’t sew or go to nail salons.  Kilts feel gender-affirming for me.

Otherwise, I got woman-ness down.  Convincing performance for sure.

legibility

The award for how well I do woman-ness is legibility.  But cis doesn’t feel quite accurate, so I added ki kin, which few understand.  Ki kin feels more real for me, but it’s hard to have pronouns that most people can’t use.

I could come out as having more than one partner at a time, if I care to.  You know I have Ming longterm as my family member, and then I have another sweetie also.  Or I could come out as kinky, if I feel the need.  Coming out as crazy was intense.  Coming our as disabled was a big deal.

The question is–what do I get, for coming out?  There’s risk and vulnerability every time, but there’s gain as well.  To be known and valued as I am feels mostly impossible.

Coming out once is a luxury I don’t know.  Happy Pride month.  I hope you’re respected and known, exactly as you are.