what conflict is

Hello, reader.  How are you?  I’ve been thinking about what conflict is.  This is related to what communication is.  It came up recently when the house began to consider potential new housemates.

Our potential new housemate asked how conflict is handled in the house–great question.  Housemates Ming and I live with said conflict is low and communication is good.  I was like–wow!  Are we living in the same house?

conflict types

Later pondering the vast difference in our answers, I realized conflict comes in many different types.

Ming suggested that gender might be at play.  Ming said for men and men-leaning people, conflict is like “I oppose you and hate you” and punching someone in the face.  For women and women-leaning people, there’s more nuance.  More recognition of what simmers below the surface.

Hmm, interesting theory, dear.  I’m willing to consider many reasons for the differences of perception.  Here are some different types.

explicit conflict

• someone saying “I hate you”
• physical attacks on a person
• physical attacks on property
• screaming at someone
• obviously working against someone’s project
• suing someone
• calling the cops

simmering covert conflict

• pattern of low key opposition to everything someone does
• coldness
• not including / inviting someone
• avoiding
• not sharing information
• ignoring someone’s stated needs
• ignoring someone’s caring offers
• rudeness
• flippancy

I notice that the explicit conflict is often an action, while the subtle, covert conflict is often by omission.  It takes some observation power to see a lack.

invisible

Invisible conflict is when someone does something messed up, and someone big hearted like me or Ming over-gives in order to avoid a problem.  The conflict sort of never happens, thanks to someone’s generous flexibility.

But there can be a lingering sense of unfairness, anger, or pain, especially if it’s part of a trend.

For example, once I loved a man who said “the universe provides.”  Yes, the universe provides in the form of a sucker like me.  I helped him in any way I could, as he put himself in precarious situations.  He used and used me until I realized that his abuse wasn’t good for anyone, and I escaped the relationship.

Who shows up, takes the hit, gives a lot, and stays attuned to the needs of others?  Who changes their personal plans because of a sudden group need?  Often me and Ming.  It’s the person who can’t turn off their love, or can’t turn off their sense of responsibility.

When I can see that someone innocent will suffer from the irresponsibility unfolding before me, I’ll set my own needs and capacities aside, to do the helpful thing.  That will require that I cancel my own plans, or recover afterward for hours or days.  But in the moment, I might prioritize the well-being of someone else over myself.

Some call that codependent or “poor boundaries.”  I would say that moms, grandmas, aunties, and countless caregivers do it on a daily basis for the survival of all.  I can’t sacrifice myself every day, but I can do it sometimes, in a loving way.  Over-sacrificing leads to burnout and health problems.

group conflict vs personal

There can be conflict that affects the whole group.  Or there can be conflict that’s more personal between two people, or some subset.  Some might consider more personal conflicts less significant.

Yes, some dismiss personal conflict like, “Of course not everyone gets along perfectly.  But that’s between those two people–the house as a whole is getting along just fine.”

Really, the conflicts affect everyone.  We’re individuals and at the same time part of the group.  It’s layered.  Conflicts I’m part of are painful, but even the ones that don’t have to do with me feel uncomfortable to witness, sometimes scary, and draining to feel in the room, to the point of exhausting.

relationships

Conflict is almost inevitable in relationships, and it’s hard to talk about.  Even harder when we don’t even agree on what it is.

Kind people who are trying to be egalitarian and do justice can be the worst at conflict because there’s so much denial that conflict is even there.  “Can’t we all just get along?” is a sweet sentiment.  But when we have huge feelings about even the smallest of things, we need skills to talk about that and do conflict in fair ways.

My preference would be that the conflict doesn’t drag on and on for years.  Abstractly I know what to do: be direct, be clear, offer compassion, don’t make personal attacks, apologize, creatively problem solve, meet them halfway, assume good intent.

But my fear response socially can be intense.  Avoidance is easier than panic attacks before and after stressful meetings.

conclusion

I must leave society.  Goodbye!  The woods await.  Nice knowing you–smell you later, perhaps.

Well, I must leave some parts of society, for some time.  Writing is one of the few ways that being social works well for me.  So I have writing at least.