Categories
Dangerous Compassions

slut feelings

I’ve been doing non-monogamy since I was a teenager.  It’s been 30 years.  Yes, circa 1992, I began doing it with multi-folks and falling in love left and right, with all genders of people.  So I’m familiar with slut feelings.

Mostly slut feelings for me are about overwhelm and guilt.  Slut feelings are not relaxing.  Any feeling that alarms or “activates” me is not really my friend.  It’s only recently I’ve learned how drama emotions are just draining.

I hate stress.  But I used to think how I felt about a situation was neutral.  Now I understand my feelings are paths to knowledge–thank you, Audre Lorde–and I can trust them.  I want to be close to people in situations that help me feel cozy, safe, happy.  Not scared, unable to sleep, fucked in the head.

Some amount of compromise is necessary.  For example, I love living in community, but house meetings stress me out.  I have to put up with house meetings if I want the joy of community.  And I have to put up with slut feelings, if I want the bliss of intimacy with multiple people.  I deal with jealousy also, and that can be a lot of work.

My goal is to minimize the slut feelings and make it all livable and workable.

coming home

Coming home from being out with my girlfriend, I feel uncomfortable shame.

“I always feel like such a slut when I come home,” I muttered to my housemate one evening.  He was sitting on the porch, possibly smoking weed and playing sudoku or looking at his phone.

“Well, welcome home,” he said, caring for me.

I’m on the up and up–I’ve done nothing wrong.  But that transition from being in a sweet little world with my girlfriend, to re-entering the bubble of bliss with Ming, is a big deal for me.  I can get cranky from being harsh with myself.

I’m very fortunate, that multiple people love me.  Many folks don’t have even one true friend–I’m sorry about that.  I’m deeply blessed.

why

Why do I feel shame?  I could analyze how I was not always on the up and up when I was a kid, or how my mom shamed me for having any sexuality at all.  Yes, coming home when I was a teenager was always an experience of straightening my clothes, making sure my hair wasn’t too mussed, and wondering what I smelled like.

Being out meant doing things I wasn’t supposed to do, with people I might not have been allowed to see, in places I wasn’t supposed to go.

Hmm!  Is that how it was for you, reader?  I’m carrying more pain than I would prefer.  Maybe I should work on letting it go.  It was last century; I wish it didn’t matter anymore.

mama

My mom loved me and was trying to keep me safe.  But she really couldn’t.  Her guilt trips and worry didn’t keep me safe–they just kept me quiet.

I wish my mama had been more resilient with my truth so I could have told more truth to her.  That was a primary tension of our relationship.  I’m sorry she worried, but I wish she had helped us form a collaborative safety where I was allowed to express more.  Then at least she could have worried more accurately.

She wanted to keep me safe, but she wasn’t admitting that the biggest risk to my safety was in our home.  I’m sorry she was in denial about family pain and the harm of how my dad treated us with violence and addiction.

She couldn’t know the full extent of the harm and how it would reverberate out for our whole lives.  But it’s terrible how people pretend kids are threatened by outside forces, when mainly the danger is from their relatives.  In my experience, the harm was from male relatives.  Your family may vary.

feelings

What do you do with feelings you don’t want to feel?  Many people deny, ignore, shove down, anesthetize themselves with drugs or kittens or babies, binge watch, barter them away, equivocate, lie about them, eat sugar about them.  I have done many of those methods of avoidance.

These days I like to feel the feelings I don’t want to feel.  It’s work, but it’s the work I’m here on earth to do.  I cry, ask Ming for help, ask Parent Earth to take my feelings back, sing, pray, dance them out.

“Dance it like you mean it,” a sticker I made months ago reads over my desk.  I’m dancing it like I mean it right now.  Yes, writing and making art can get it out.  I just need the feelings not to get stuck.  Qi gong, walks, yoga, sex, cooking for the house, doing good.

electricity

I can only handle so much electricity passing through my body.  That’s how love can feel, especially when I’m in a group.  At community dinner my girlfriend was standing near me as we all were gathered by the fire.  Sometimes she touched my shoulder and we held hands.  I felt special and so loved.

But it was a big deal, for her to touch me in front of my community.  It was another level of slut feelings, as my community members have seen me hold hands with Ming and touch Ming a lot.

I have to trust that the slut feelings are not God’s way of trying to make me monogamous.  God loves me and wants me to be happy.  She thinks it’s great that I’m intimate with many people in many ways.  Mother God wants me to love and be free.  She likes my girlfriend very much.

trauma again

It’s funny trying to know if it’s the devil or the angel on my shoulder, whispering what to do.  Usually it’s neither–it’s just trauma.

slut feelings

Thank you for witnessing my truth, reader.  I love you.

By Laura-Marie

Good at listening to the noise until it makes sense.

3 replies on “slut feelings”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *