nurturing energy

Hello, reader.  How are you?  What’s on your mind?  I was thinking about nurturing energy.

I used to wonder why I’m so damn nurturing.  Yes, big tit energy, every day.  I’ve extended a ton of care and am quick to invest in the well-being of others.  Any ideas?

kid theory

One idea I had before is that I didn’t have kids.  I was like–maybe I have all this nurturing energy inside me because it never got used on mijas.

Then I looked around at the other women my age who never had kids.  They are not super nurturing or having the same problem I was having of over-giving sometimes.  Yes, they have a pet or two they might dote on.  But they are not den mothering or trying to keep a bunch of radical mental health crazy people alive.  You know that has something in common with herding cats.  Cats that are on their ninth life.

So I must be wrong about that explanation.

mom theory

Another thought is–maybe it’s my mama.  She was a preschool teacher for decades and loved kids.  Me when I was little, countless kids of others, her grandkids…

Maybe my mom’s way of being got inside of me, and it’s about her.  I took some of my favorite things about her and do them in my own way.  Yes, I took a lot about her that I didn’t enjoy also.  For example, a lot of my fears don’t feel like they’re mine.  They feel like her fears that leapt into me and found an uneasy home.

Part of my growing up process is finding ways to let my mom’s fears go.  I don’t need them–they were never mine to begin with.  I’d like to give them back to the earth.

The nurturing thing, if it came from her, I actually like about myself.  As long as I keep an eye on it and don’t fall into a bog of exhaustion or get hooked up with entitled takers.

goddess theory

Maybe I’m just a love goddess, and nurturing is a big part of love.  Why not?

Some people are good at fixing cars, baking bread, singing, administration, massage, farming, stock market, sewing.  If I’m good at nurturing, that can be a thing to do.  Some people are spatially gifted or have a way with words.  All skills are valid, even ones that never get paid like nurturing.

kid theory revisited

Then I was in the kitchen the other day, talking to Ming about the kid theory.  He had a new idea.  He pointed out that I like kids.  I think kids are amazing–I love all ages of person.

But I didn’t want to be a mom for many reasons.  Mostly I didn’t think I could do a great job, being so crazy in an unsupportive culture–I can’t even do a great job caring for myself.  Bringing a tiny human into the mix sounded like disaster.  Yes, I have some sense how difficult it is, which is why I chose not to.

Around five years ago when my period stopped for some months, I was like–oops.  I guess I’m having a kid.  I was surprised but mostly ok with the idea.  Ming made some lofty promises.  My mom said I could move in with her, and she would help.  Then I got a pregnancy test, and I was not pregnant.

Maybe the reason I didn’t have kids is different from the reasons of other non-kid-havers.  So that could explain why–yeah–I have excess nurturing energy.

nurturing energy

What do you think, reader?  I’ve explained this poorly, but maybe you know what I mean.  How much nurturing energy do you have, and what do you do with it?

I nurture plants, friends, my own self, my mini-fam, community.  I care for my sacred body in a sweet way.  Regularly I nurture art into being.  I nurture my projects.  But by the time I get out to projects, it’s not the same kind of nurturing.  It’s cerebral and removed.

Nurturing is animal.  Some animal baby needs care.  It’s vulnerable and small.  Probably it will live, but death is always an option.

How much will I give, and how much will I wander off to do something less intense and less demanding?  Maintaining life requires consistency.  How hard will I work?  And how much will I enjoy that work vs resent it, or try to get someone else to do it?

Friends have told me my loyalty is extreme, and I have an indefatigable capacity for love.  I show up for years.  You could like that about me, charmed and wishing for a more loving world.   Or you could pathologize me, say I’m codependent, or however you condemn people like me, who value the baby animals, disabled people, and crazy people such as myself in a meaningful way.

I’m carrying a lot of pain today.  I know myself and love myself.  But in the context of a world where my values are different from standard values, the invalidation can wear me down.  I carry this pain with me but would like to lay it down on a riverbank and cry.

apology

I’m sorry I loved too much; I’m sorry I made anyone uncomfortable.  As soon as I understand, I back off.  People are not like me.  I respect you and your capacities.  I enjoy how you’re like me, and I understand there are many ways that you’re not like me.

I’m sorry I thanked you for something you didn’t actually do.  But I thought you were part of it.  You are part of the fire of God, at least.  So it made sense to me, to thank you, but I know not everyone likes that.