Dangerous Compassions

logic puzzles


“Did you ever do logic puzzles when you were a kid?” I asked Ming.

“No,” he said.  “I failed at them.”

“Yeah,” I said.  “I see that.”

We laughed.

“You tell me a thing, and then you tell me another thing, and another thing.  But the first thing totally contradicts the third thing.  And I have to make reality out of that,” I said.

We laughed more.  Logic puzzles indeed.


“Nothing prepared me for you,” I said.  I held his hand.  “Math class didn’t prepare me for you.”

“Statistics,” Ming said.

“Yes, statistics.  You are an outlier.  But I don’t throw you out–I bring you in.  You throw off my data set,” I said.  “In a wonderful way.”

I will always be grateful to Ming for throwing off my data set.  And I will do the same for him.


He was eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich at three in the morning.  Yes, our life is like that.  Hunger happens.

I eat zero bread these days.  But sometimes I want it really bad.  I get these weird welts, when I eat what doesn’t agree with me.  Is it an allergy, a sensitivity, something else?  It’s hard to explain to housemates or anyone.  I can’t even explain it to myself.

Ideally doctors would help.  If only.  My poor lymph nodes.  I don’t need to give my lymph nodes more reasons to swell and ache.  I think, “Maybe I’m better now!” and try the food after some months, then suffer and repent bitterly.

We settle in and believe this house is our home.  Yes, I can eat as much veg as I want.  All that spinach can be mine.  It’s a lovely mentality.  I can get more health that way.  The veg is conspiring to keep me alive.


Yesterday we signed our longer lease, having survived the three month trial period we asked for.  In November our arrival was delayed by a snowstorm and road closure near Mt Shasta.  Lo those many months ago.

We had a lease signing ceremony on the porch.  We sang Critical Hit with two housemates, and I’d learned it (poorly) on mandolin.  I missed many of the chords, but I sang every word of it, plus extra words.

Thank you to the musician housemates, to hummingbirds who visited, to the lease preparer, to this biome, and all creatures / beings of this place.  Especially the spirit of the water.  Bit by bit, we make ourselves at home.


The queen of cups is my girl, lately.  Yes, the love and the spirit all femmed out and nurture-real.

The ten of wands is too true–I am working way hard at things I should fully let go of.  I’m sorry for the lack of balance I’ve participated in.  Every day is a new day and a new chance to make a better choice.  Please pray for me to let go of my old addictive behaviors.

Two of wands was specifically about the lease singing.  Yes, I ponder long term plans and our place in the world.  I feel rich with options and good about what Ming and I choose.

It was heartening to see both the ace and king of pentacles at this time–that king of pentacles has been haunting me for a year, and I’ll take it.  Grounded home material stability has been a huge goal lately.  I feel deeply blessed.

I was sorry to see the five of pentacles, but life is like that sometimes.  It reminds me of the four of cups which has been showing up over and over for two years.  I’m making friends with disappointment.  I can dwell there sometimes–so be it.  Truth is varied.  Disappointment is a lesson I’m here to learn.  I don’t enjoy it, but I’m willing to live fully, so I need to feel that part.


By Laura-Marie

Good at listening to the noise until it makes sense.

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